Accept Thyself: A Daunting Journey

It is amazing to see how something can go from looking like the best idea ever to looking like a dire mistake in the short span of 24 hours.

After publishing the first of my old blog posts last night, I spent about three to four hours going through the entries that followed it. When I exported my posts they were spat out in XML, which rendered them poorly formatted for copy and pasting purposes (you know, the easy way of doing things).

Naturally, I couldn’t leave it looking like that, so I had to get to work editing out the nonsensical characters and organizing everything by date. I also needed to remove any blatantly personal information, typos, grammatical errors, unintentional redundancy, certain individual’s names, and excessive expletives (I was quite fond of sailor’s speech back in the day).

Sure, the work ahead will be positively tedious (I’ve only gone through 2.5 posts so far), but I strangely enjoy searching for errors. What I haven’t enjoyed as much is reading the things I had to say about myself. This is why I now wonder if I’ve made a mistake in thinking that I should share these old writings. I am afraid.

Read More

Advertisements

Oh, If Only I Were Stunning And Interesting

So there’s this guy…

Wow. I can’t even focus my thoughts enough to type what I’m trying to say. Get it together, girl.

Okay, let’s try this again. A few days ago, while I was simply minding my own business, this guy randomly entered my periphery. I honestly don’t know where he came from, which may sound really strange, but humor me for a moment.

Something peculiar happened when I first saw him. I instantly felt as though I needed to get to know him. Now before I go any further, let me just confirm that I personally find him to be gorgeous. Naturally, he’s quite enjoyable to look at, but his physical appearance genuinely had nothing to do with this initial attraction. In fact, I didn’t even realize how beautiful he was until I’d been “observing” him for awhile.

I say “observing” because I have no clue how else to put it. “Watching him” sounds creepy AF, like I’ve been conveniently lurking in the bushes outside of his house with binoculars every time he showers. That is definitely not the case. I can’t say that I “know him” either because I don’t; I only know of him.

Read More

Girl In Bloom: New Place, New Me

I’m finally able to see the finish line. There are only three days left until I can move into my new home.

Gosh, it feels so weird.

Tonight will actually be my final night here in the condo, and I’m surprisingly sad about it. If you would have talked to me back in February when I first arrived out here and told me that I’d end up hating to leave this place, I would have laughed in your face. I remember my first week like it was yesterday: I absolutely hated this place lol. Everything felt foreign. And I don’t mean foreign like “Oh, everything is new and I’m not sure where anything is”, but foreign as if I’d spent my entire life on Pluto—alone.

It took me a ridiculous amount of time to get accustomed to living here, but I’m not entirely sure why. I have moved an absurd amount of times throughout my life, so one would think that I could swap states like it’s nothing. Normally, this would totally be the case. I’ve always jumped at the opportunity to check out a new city and have new adventures, so I thought this move would be a cakewalk. Well, that isn’t exactly how the story went this time around. For the first time ever, moving to a new environment left me feeling vulnerable, out of place and…a little scared.

Read More

Grad School Or Bust: Test Anxiety and Armpits (Part 2)

Some people are simply born to do or be something. Singers sing, writers write, bakers bake. For those who have an undeniable talent in a particular area, their life purpose is usually obvious from a young age. To do anything else would seem quite unnatural.

Well, I think this is how it was for me. I’d spent the vast majority of my life saying I wanted to study psychology and contribute something notable to the field. If I didn’t grow up to be a psychiatrist, what else on God’s green Earth could I do? More importantly, who would I be? Be it wrong or be it right, my entire identity was soundly wrapped up in the notion of me becoming a therapist one day. It was the pillar of all my other life goals. I truly believed it was who I was.

Read More

Grad School Or Bust: History, Please Don’t Repeat Yourself (Part 1)

For some reason, just thinking about the topic I am going to talk about today turns me into a full-blown nervous wreck. Perhaps it is because this particular life goal of mine means the entire world to me. Or maybe it is due to the fact that the mere pursuit of it will present definite challenges. Could it be that I am afraid of another potential failure? Am I concerned about what Plan B will be if this all goes to shit in the end?

I don’t know what it is about graduate school that renders me so anxiety stricken, but I am going to have to learn how to talk about this without wanting to retreat into the nearest corner, curl up into the fetal position and incessantly rock like a rocking chair. Why? Because I want to apply for grad school—for the third time.

Read More

My Ten Day Water Fasting Experience: I Quit! (Day 2)

Not gonna lie…today sucked really, really, really, really, really, really bad. Though I was nowhere near grouchy, my mood was reasonably impacted. As difficult as my struggles with anxiety and depression have been in the past, nothing could have prepared me for the crippling amount of self-doubt and weakness that I faced today.

I’m a pretty strong woman, but this water fasting experience is challenging me in ways I have staunchly avoided for a very long time. So even though I am not particularly enjoying the ride thus far, I’m learning so much about myself. Will I continue to learn more? Well, you’ll just have to keep tuning in to find out. I’m curious my own self!

Read More