“If only I knew then what I know now.” I have such mixed feelings about this statement.
For the most part, I avoid saying things like this because hindsight is 20/20. In the majority of cases, I think most people would take the knowledge they have now and use it to positively influence their past if they thought it could lead to a preferable outcome. All the same, we can’t go back in time and alter anything, which renders the whole wishful nature of statements such as these useless…
… yet I still found myself thinking this way when I read over today’s post.
There is a certain degree of detachment for me when I read past writings such as the one below. Although I can vividly recall how I felt in those particular moments, it still feels slightly foreign. This is quite a peculiar position to be in because I never thought my day of freedom would come. I’d been imprisoned against my will by inexplicable sorrow for so long… my current state of being is supremely surreal in comparison.
It is amazing to see how something can go from looking like the best idea ever to looking like a dire mistake in the short span of 24 hours.
After publishing the first of my old blog posts last night, I spent about three to four hours going through the entries that followed it. When I exported my posts they were spat out in XML, which rendered them poorly formatted for copy and pasting purposes (you know, the easy way of doing things).
Naturally, I couldn’t leave it looking like that, so I had to get to work editing out the nonsensical characters and organizing everything by date. I also needed to remove any blatantly personal information, typos, grammatical errors, unintentional redundancy, certain individual’s names, and excessive expletives (I was quite fond of sailor’s speech back in the day).
Sure, the work ahead will be positively tedious (I’ve only gone through 2.5 posts so far), but I strangely enjoy searching for errors. What I haven’t enjoyed as much is reading the things I had to say about myself. This is why I now wonder if I’ve made a mistake in thinking that I should share these old writings. I am afraid.
So I’m just sitting here having a snack—these lovely peaches, as you can probably guess.
Before this moment in time I was having trouble figuring out what my next post should be about. Sure, I had some ideas; I always have ideas. However, I wasn’t particularly inspired enough by them to actually sit down and share them yet. Everything in due season, as I always say. I’ll just file them away for later. I’m sure they’ll come in handy one day.
Anyway, back to my awesome pitted snack. The minute I took them out my mind started wandering. I inspected the fruit for undesirable flaws, washed them thoroughly and dried them with the greatest of care. The wheels were turning. Even as I sliced the peaches I could feel a memory start to emerge from the mist of my mind. Suddenly, I had it. I knew what I wanted to say. Here I am now…getting ready to say it.
It’s crazy how the news of someone else’s day can sometimes impact yours in a deeply significant way. When someone I know told me that a young lady from their place of employment had recently been found dead, I felt quite sad. I tried to shake the feeling all day, but it lingered.
First of all, I always hate to hear of people having their lives stolen from them—especially young people. Whether it is due to crime, accidents or illness, it hurts me to learn of all the young souls who have their lives cut short. Unfortunately, I see it every single day. They are robbed of the opportunity to achieve all of their dreams, so we lose the chance to see what contributions they could have made to the world. It’s not right.
Secondly, news of this untimely death brought back painful memories of someone I once knew and held in great regard. The familiarity of the story gnawed at my heart and drug me back to a time I try very hard to forget. It was a time rife with disappointments, upheaval, uncertainty and feelings of betrayal. I don’t talk about events from this phase of my life very often, but I will today in hopes that it may help someone else out there understand the importance of always saying what should be said today. Tomorrow is never guaranteed; I found this out the hard way.
I’ve been going through a very difficult time recently. Though I don’t particularly wish to get into the full details of why that is (I will more than likely speak on it when I’m feeling up to it), I will say that I have been dealing with issues involving self-esteem and confidence. Some aspects of my life have not been going very well lately, so it’s been a bit challenging to keep a smile on my face and fight the urge to allow a sense of defeat and hopelessness to knock me out of the game completely.
I sincerely apologize if this or any of my recent posts aren’t cheerful. I often feel very self-conscious about posting when I am not feeling my absolute best because I am the kind of person who wears their feelings on their face and in their speech. It always feels as though I will pollute everything I do by writing happy words in a sad tone, so I typically refuse to post when that is the case.
Despite having started this blog to share all aspects of my personal life, my true desire is to connect with and help uplift others. That being said, I wish every post could be nothing but sunshine, rainbows and kittens. However, this post isn’t going to be any of those things. For that, I am very sorry. All the same, I come bearing a very sincere request for all who may stumble upon today’s post and read it: Please think before you speak. You never know what the person you are speaking to is truly going through.