Need More Peace In Life? Be Present.

The wealth of a prosperous man or woman should be measured not by the money lining their pockets, but by how much peace they have. If this was truly how society measured wealth, I would have been marked as destitute for most of my adult life.

You see, I used to suffer from debilitating anxiety. I’m talking 3-5 full blown panic attacks per week. It didn’t matter where I was, what I was doing or who I was with; anxiety would hunt me down like wounded prey on a daily basis. This (quite unintentional) tendency to be a bit high-strung left me held for ransom by anxious thoughts and habits for many years. Panic and worry made my day to day life far more difficult than it ever had to be.

Aside from wasting the majority of my days fighting back invisible bogeymen and straining to achieve even the slightest semblance of normalcy, my chronic lack of peace bled into every area of my life that meant something to me. My health, relationships, career and finances all took significant hits, leaving me with feelings of discouragement that couldn’t be overcome no matter how hard I tried. But this was then.

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Just Keep Swimming (A Weight Loss Journey Update)

Contrary to what would be a perfectly understandable and acceptable assumption, I have not fallen off the weight loss wagon. I can just imagine it now: Me, rolling down a hill of cupcakes and conveniently landing on the sofa…right next to a box of chocolates. (Sigh) If only.

No, my good friends, I have actually done my best not to ditch my weight loss goals for an entire carton of Haagen-Dazs coffee ice cream. Of course, this wasn’t the easiest task for me, what with moving and the flu and all. It’s not been what I’d exactly hoped, but I’m still here and still trying. Surely that counts for something, right?

Well, even if my efforts are actually complete crap, I’m here to update you guys on what I’ve been up to post-flu. I mean, let’s just be honest here…I didn’t do jack all in the span of time between my last update and two weeks ago. But don’t worry! I’m back in the game and I’m here to win. 🙂

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I Only Ever Dream Of London

I’ve had a lot of dreams and hopes in this life.

Some came true. Some didn’t.

Of what remains, I’ve mostly given up on ever attaining them. I say this not because I am a defeatist or “negative Nellie” (or negative Nell, in my case), but because I am too tired.

I feel as though I say this a lot these days—this, “I’m tired.” Of course, I never say it aloud because it isn’t something anyone would properly understand. I mean, if someone was ever around to hear me.

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I’m Back And I Just Wanna Say, “Screw You, Germs!”

I never, ever get sick. Yet when I do, it feels like the end of the world.

I feel like the dinosaurs must have felt when they saw the meteor coming.

I feel like how Friends fans must have felt when they realized the series was (finally!) coming to an end.

I feel like the girl who just texted her crush, “Do you like me like me?” only to get the response, “Who is this??”

I feel like how every Democrat felt when they realized Hillary didn’t win.

I feel like how every Democrat still feels when reminded that Hillary didn’t win.

I haven’t had the time (or desk space) to post since moving, so I thought my return post would be totally different.

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Girl In Bloom: New Place, New Me

I’m finally able to see the finish line. There are only three days left until I can move into my new home.

Gosh, it feels so weird.

Tonight will actually be my final night here in the condo, and I’m surprisingly sad about it. If you would have talked to me back in February when I first arrived out here and told me that I’d end up hating to leave this place, I would have laughed in your face. I remember my first week like it was yesterday: I absolutely hated this place lol. Everything felt foreign. And I don’t mean foreign like “Oh, everything is new and I’m not sure where anything is”, but foreign as if I’d spent my entire life on Pluto—alone.

It took me a ridiculous amount of time to get accustomed to living here, but I’m not entirely sure why. I have moved an absurd amount of times throughout my life, so one would think that I could swap states like it’s nothing. Normally, this would totally be the case. I’ve always jumped at the opportunity to check out a new city and have new adventures, so I thought this move would be a cakewalk. Well, that isn’t exactly how the story went this time around. For the first time ever, moving to a new environment left me feeling vulnerable, out of place and…a little scared.

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Remembering How To Laugh

I haven’t laughed as much or as hard as I did tonight in a long, long time. I missed it.

After the unpleasant event that occurred last weekend, my vibes were totally off this week. I haven’t been nearly as productive as I wanted to be. In addition to going through all kinds of stress (justified or otherwise), my overall physical well-being has been a bit…crap. From time to time, I experience these annoying episodes of not feeling very well. Things have certainly been worse in the past, so I’m extremely grateful that I seem to be getting better overall. However, when things go south, it can be pretty painful and debilitating. Not being able to do the things I would like to do, but am too weak to accomplish tends to make me feel like a worthless loser (lol).

For anyone who deals with any type of chronic illness or ongoing condition, I’m sure someone out there can relate to the frustration I go through. I just want to be productive and happy without being slowed down by a body that prefers to frequently rebel against me, you know? Having gone through this for a few years, I know how important it is for me to consistently focus on things that make me feel good and help me to inject more joy into my life. However, my preoccupation with everyday life has caused me to forget the benefit of laughter.

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Weight Loss Journey Update: FML, I Have 163 Lbs To Lose

It has probably been a week or so since my last weight loss journey update. I’ve been procrastinating a bit with the update for a couple of reasons, but the most prominent reason has to do with the fact that I’ve been dealing with some fairly difficult stuff in my everyday life. The last few days have been especially emotionally trying for me, which has caused me to get off track with many of my goals. Of course, I made the mistake of allowing my emotions to disrupt my weight loss routine (as always), so I wasn’t particularly thrilled about announcing that I haven’t been on my best behavior diet-wise.

Despite my recent shortcomings, I am not completely discouraged. This last period of time has been challenging, yes, but I am dead set on getting back on track this week. Since my last update, I have managed to shake off my anxiety about trying to lose weight ASAP. I’m really starting to come to terms with the reality of my situation, and the reality is that this process will be one hell of a marathon. Not a sprint, but a cross-country crawl. I will not reach my goal weight any time in the near future, so I may as well forget about trying to achieve the impossible.

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Grad School Or Bust: Test Anxiety and Armpits (Part 2)

Some people are simply born to do or be something. Singers sing, writers write, bakers bake. For those who have an undeniable talent in a particular area, their life purpose is usually obvious from a young age. To do anything else would seem quite unnatural.

Well, I think this is how it was for me. I’d spent the vast majority of my life saying I wanted to study psychology and contribute something notable to the field. If I didn’t grow up to be a psychiatrist, what else on God’s green Earth could I do? More importantly, who would I be? Be it wrong or be it right, my entire identity was soundly wrapped up in the notion of me becoming a therapist one day. It was the pillar of all my other life goals. I truly believed it was who I was.

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Weight Loss Update: Big Changes, Discouragement and Unexplained Illness

It has been a little while since I last mentioned my weight loss progress. Much to my own surprise, I didn’t go ape nuts with food after my water fast. On the contrary, I rolled directly out of the fast into a sensible weight loss regimen. It is far too early to declare any amazing or shocking results, but I am managing to stick with it. So far, so good.

You know how you can sometimes be on a diet, cutting so much out that you want to maul anyone who gets to eat something other than rabbit food? I’ve definitely been there countless times before, which is why I am trying to not make the same mistake all over again. My only real concern is that I’m starting to feel as though my current weight loss plan may be too manageable. Too easy.

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Grad School Or Bust: History, Please Don’t Repeat Yourself (Part 1)

For some reason, just thinking about the topic I am going to talk about today turns me into a full-blown nervous wreck. Perhaps it is because this particular life goal of mine means the entire world to me. Or maybe it is due to the fact that the mere pursuit of it will present definite challenges. Could it be that I am afraid of another potential failure? Am I concerned about what Plan B will be if this all goes to shit in the end?

I don’t know what it is about graduate school that renders me so anxiety stricken, but I am going to have to learn how to talk about this without wanting to retreat into the nearest corner, curl up into the fetal position and incessantly rock like a rocking chair. Why? Because I want to apply for grad school—for the third time.

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