San Diego (Part 2): The New Kid

It seems as though transferring to a new university as a bright-eyed undergraduate student would be a pretty important event in someone’s life… Important enough to remember with vivid clarity, I mean. Unfortunately, I don’t remember too much about transferring colleges.

Normally, I would blame this inability to remember on my shoddy memory. It has been an entire decade, after all. The problem with this excuse is that I have an impeccable memory—photographic even. And as if that wasn’t impressive enough, my selective memory is second to none. This may be a far, far more accurate reason as to why I no longer recall the early days studying at my alma mater. 😀

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Umm…. Whose Phone Is This?

Let me just start this off by saying that it is hardly uncommon for me to find items outside of my front door.

Small Amazon packages.

Large Amazon packages.

Sephora boxes.

Hungry (and extremely noisy) quails.

Gigantic, freakishly frightening Palo Verde beetles (Google these. I dare you)…

Copious amounts of sand and leaves.

Mid-sized Amazon packages.

Okay, so maybe I have a serious problem when it comes to shopping on Amazon. I’m working on it… sorta. That’s totally not the point I’m trying to make though. 

The concept that I’m trying to drive home today is plain and simple: I find random things on my doorstep on a very regular basis. Therefore, I have developed an almost compulsive habit of peeping out of my front door to see if any cool goodies (or scary creatures) are waiting for me on the patio. 

I also have a nearly compulsive tendency to track the shipping status of my online purchases multiple times a day, so I’m not too sure why I look outside for packages when I know full well that they haven’t arrived yet. It’s so weird, but it’s almost as though I expect deliveries from a mysterious benefactor to miraculously appear on a daily basis. I know this is highly improbable, but it never stops me from poking my head out into the blistering heat to check anyway. You know, “just in case”. 😛

Ya’ll, I got a bit of a shock today.

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Veggie Placenta?!

Today I decided it might be nice to spruce myself up in preparation for my birthday. 

(Naturally) I’m not going anywhere, doing anything (interesting), or seeing anyone (unless my cat counts), BUT I will have to look at myself at some point tomorrow.

Therefore, I figured it’d be best to look half decent for my own amusement. “Hobo chic” totally works for me most days, buuut I guess it won’t hurt to put forth minimal effort one day a year.

As part of my restoration project, I dug through one of my bathroom vanity drawers in search of a face mask. I quite like K-beauty products as a whole, but Korean face masks… those are my entire world. Besides, when I put them on I look like Jason Voorhees— it’s kinda creepy. 

Well, I mean, I look like Jason Voorhees if he wore poorly matching pajama pants and embarrassingly oversized shirts during his workday. I guess in that light, it isn’t so much creepy as it is sad. I really should think about changing my household attire.

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Super Humiliating Proof Of My Childhood

My mother has been rifling through some of her prehistoric belongings lately.

Old birthday cards. Old Valentine’s Day cards. Old Mother’s Day cards. Old Christmas cards.

From overpriced Hallmark Signature greeting cards to good ole’ fashioned handmade masterpieces, that woman has somehow managed to keep every single thing I’ve ever given her since I first learned that it was socially unacceptable to ignore your parents on holidays. So, she’s been harboring a lot of junk for a really, really LONG time.

I have no idea how she’s managed it. Her closet is like an extension of the Smithsonian, only instead of it being full of valuable relics of the past, it is full of complete garbage that her only child gave her: Me. You are most welcome, Mom.

Well, today she ever so graciously passed along two bits of antiquity that I gave her back in 1994. She thought I would find them “funny”. I then decided to share it with you guys, but please do not judge what you are about to witness. It’s sincerely a crime against humanity, but what’s done is done.

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It’s Greener On The Side You’re On: Embrace Who You Are, Appreciate What You Have

Once upon a time in a place far, far away (okay, maybe it’s only the next state over), I used to save particularly funny AOL/Yahoo/MSN messenger chats I would have with my friends onto flash drives. Yes, chats. Meh. Okay, so I’m getting old. We’ll all get over this fact eventually.

The initial idea was that I would go back and laugh at these conversations one day. In reality, I forgot they existed as soon as I saved them. I actually have a terrible habit of losing my flash drives, which accounts for why I have so many of them. This doesn’t irk me normally, but last night was an unusual case. You see, I’d lost the latest typed copy of my novel…and it was on one of my many missing flash drives.

I think.

I know, I know. I’m not exactly sure how someone loses something as important as that, but we’ll just have to write it off as a highly exaggerated and most likely non-existent side effect of my aging. But that’s truly not the point here. The point is that I didn’t find my book, but I did stumble across my saved chats. Win-win.

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Dirty Laundry (Load #1)

Secrets. Quirks. Well concealed personal facts. We all have them.

For some people, these tidbits of information may be far too embarrassing, too reputation-bruising to share with their closest friends and family. They may go to great lengths to hide their idiosyncrasies from the world in hopes of them ceasing to exist simply by ignoring them. However, they may get caught in a perpetual cycle of bondage, finding themselves wearing masks and hiding the fullness of their being from the world.

For others, the act of consciously calling attention to their greatest fears, oddities and failures as a human being can be liberating. No longer is there a fear of someone finding out that you aren’t as squeaky clean and perfect as you try to appear. No one can “expose” you or your secrets because you’ve already sufficiently ruined your reputation all on your own. At least, I think this is how unfiltered self-disclosure works. I’ve never tried it, so I could have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about right now. It sounded pretty convincing though, huh?

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It’s Storytime: I Genuinely Feared For My Life (But those Corn Pops tho’…)

Sweet Baby Jesus.

I don’t normally post twice in one day. In fact, I’m on a roll if I manage to post something twice a week. It was never a formal rule of mine to not do two posts a day. I’ve just always figured people would get annoyed with me.

In all fairness, I can be a bit “extra” sometimes, so even I might not want to hear too much from me in one day. All that aside, I’ve just had the fright of my life, so a storytime is fresh off the press.

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It’s Storytime: I Had Never Been So Embarrassed In All My Life

When I think back over various events in my life, I often end up spending quite a bit of time strolling down memory lane. From the downright hilarious to the absolutely gut wrenching, I have had so many experiences etch an honorary and seemingly permanent place in my mind. Earlier today, I was randomly reminded of an experience I had many years ago. While I can look back and laugh now, it was hardly funny at the time. In fact, the scenario left me lost for words and sincerely mortified.

The interesting thing about this particular memory is that it was one of the very few times I can recall being embarrassed. Now, I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I rarely do or say things that genuinely leave me feeling that way. If anything, I am usually embarrassed for other people. Well, I guess you can say the story I’m about to tell you fell precisely into this category, only this wasn’t a case of an adult behaving badly. No, this was a matter of a child sharing his own brutally honest (not to mention humiliating!) observations. Beforehand, I had heard that kids say some of the craziest things, but this really took the cake for me.

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