It is hard for me to remember the events of late 2006 with any degree of precision or accuracy. However, I highly doubt my memory was any better at the time.
In the span of time from October to December of that year, my relationship with Adam suffered considerably. The resurfacing of my ex-boyfriend and the arguments that swiftly followed, kicked off a miserable chain of events that Adam and I never quite came back from. With a quickness, we were thrown into a revolving door of accusations and low blows.
There once was a time when I handled my romantic relationships like a caveman. Not even a cavewoman. A caveman.
Despite having grown up in a family full of (questionably) happily married couples, I never had any formal training when it came to learning how to form my own relationships. Did any of you? Hmm. Perhaps I mistook the Dating 101 seminar invitation for junk mail… or bills. *Shudder* I always make sure to throw my bills into the recycling bin straight away. It’s good for the environment, you know.
Anyhow, unlike the whole birds and the bees thing (from which I naively took away the message, “Never, ever, ever touch boys”), my mother never sat me down and explained what I should and should not do if I hoped to maintain a successful partnership with a member of the opposite sex.
I didn’t have any siblings to ask, and although I’d grow to have friends who also dated, I wasn’t about to pick their brains about something so serious. Besides, I was fairly confident that they didn’t know what they were doing either. It seemed like a much better idea to wing it. And so, I did.
Turns out I was a relational caveman. No contemplation. No patience. No decorum. No idea what the heck I was doing. It was simply, “Me like. Me want. Me take. Me bored. Me throw away. Me like new thing now. You go away.” And the cycle would repeat itself.
“The intention and outcome of vulnerability is trust, intimacy and connection. The outcome of oversharing is distrust, disconnection— and usually a little judgment.” – Brene Brown
Isn’t that the truth?
There have not been many people to know me as I truly am— this has caused me considerable grief over the years. Building walls and hiding my feelings was simply how I made it through most of life. I don’t know why.
In some ways, I never felt as though I belonged anywhere…belonged to anyone. A walking, talking, living, breathing paradox. Unpredictable. Inconvenient. It seemed as though people only liked me if I’d fit their mold. Oh, I played along sometimes. Then I’d go home, soak my pillow through, get up and prepare to do it all over again.
So there’s this guy…
Wow. I can’t even focus my thoughts enough to type what I’m trying to say. Get it together, girl.
Okay, let’s try this again. A few days ago, while I was simply minding my own business, this guy randomly entered my periphery. I honestly don’t know where he came from, which may sound really strange, but humor me for a moment.
Something peculiar happened when I first saw him. I instantly felt as though I needed to get to know him. Now before I go any further, let me just confirm that I personally find him to be gorgeous. Naturally, he’s quite enjoyable to look at, but his physical appearance genuinely had nothing to do with this initial attraction. In fact, I didn’t even realize how beautiful he was until I’d been “observing” him for awhile.
I say “observing” because I have no clue how else to put it. “Watching him” sounds creepy AF, like I’ve been conveniently lurking in the bushes outside of his house with binoculars every time he showers. That is definitely not the case. I can’t say that I “know him” either because I don’t; I only know of him.
I deleted the dating app about a week after installing it. It was such a relief.
I really don’t know what to say about the whole “dating in the digital age” thing. It is probably safe to say that it isn’t for me. Though I genuinely wasn’t looking for anything romantic in the first place (and I made that quite clear), I simply couldn’t contend with the unspoken (or not so unspoken) expectation of a hookup or FWB situationship. Whatever happened to just being friends?? Perhaps that is exactly my problem…the outdated desire for something strictly platonic with a member of the opposite sex. Stupid, stupid me.
I am the worst blogger ever.
The entire point of me having a personal blog is to share snippets of my everyday life. Meanwhile, drama is unfolding behind the scenes and I’ve been sitting on my butt missing it all! I’ve simply got to do better.
My mind is a mess right now. My emotions are even worse off. I actually feel drunk or otherwise intoxicated even though I haven’t had a sip of liquor in years. Even though I feel a slight disturbance brewing in my stomach region and an overwhelming sense of “WTF have I just done” is washing over me, I believe I have done the right thing, at the right time, for the first time ever. I just drunk texted my ex-fiancé. Well, sorta. Okay, not really.
I’m on a dating app. There. I said it. And yes, it was painful.
Wow. What has my love life been reduced to? Where do I even start?