Changes: My Month Living As A Stranger

This is me.

Allegedly.*

Come to think about it, I’ve never actually verified that I am… well, myself (whoever that is). Mind boggling questions concerning my own existence aside, I am whoever I was the day I was born. 

I’d like to think that I’m far less dependent and helpless than I was back then. At least, I no longer find it appropriate to cry bloody murder whenever one of my basic needs requires attention. With any luck, I am much better off than I was as a clueless infant. However, I remain the same exact human being. 

Probably. 

Nonetheless, I have found myself living the life of a complete stranger lately. I’m not sure if the current state of affairs should bother me or not. For some reason I have this gut feeling that my usual self would be quite concerned about this. I would totally ask her about it too… if only I knew where to find her.

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Meet My New Kitten!

So… I’ve been absent from here for awhile lately. I’m truly sorry for that. 

I’ve made several attempts to peck out something or another, but my efforts have all ended with a retreat to the delete button. My most recent deletion was a detailed explanation that I decided was far too lengthy for its own good. Extremely long story short, there has been a lot of change in my life lately. Though I am quite thrilled about these changes, they have left me needing a lot more “me time”, which is a major reason for my silence.

No one told me to go rampaging through my life with a sledgehammer, but that’s essentially what I’ve done. In addition to adopting many new habits and undergoing a somewhat drastic change in appearance, I’ve been trying to rearrange my daily schedule. Well, all of this hustle and bustle has left me rather drained at the end of each day. I’m used to doing my writing late at night, but I simply haven’t had the energy to stay up long enough lately.

I sincerely hope to return to my (somewhat) daily posts soon, but I make no promises as to when! There are so many things that I’d like to share right now. However, I feel the need to take a bit of a step back for awhile. 

Although I am adjusting well to everything that is going on, I still feel emotionally taxed at times. I’ve never really gone through a period of time such as this, so it is rather difficult to describe it. Though I am perfectly content with life (despite the tone of my last poem), I admittedly lack the concentration I need to write coherently.

Anyhow, I’m not here to talk about all of this. Not yet, at least! Today, I’d like to talk about one of the changes I’ve recently made: I got a new kitten! 

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Need More Peace In Life? Be Present.

The wealth of a prosperous man or woman should be measured not by the money lining their pockets, but by how much peace they have. If this was truly how society measured wealth, I would have been marked as destitute for most of my adult life.

You see, I used to suffer from debilitating anxiety. I’m talking 3-5 full blown panic attacks per week. It didn’t matter where I was, what I was doing or who I was with; anxiety would hunt me down like wounded prey on a daily basis. This (quite unintentional) tendency to be a bit high-strung left me held for ransom by anxious thoughts and habits for many years. Panic and worry made my day to day life far more difficult than it ever had to be.

Aside from wasting the majority of my days fighting back invisible bogeymen and straining to achieve even the slightest semblance of normalcy, my chronic lack of peace bled into every area of my life that meant something to me. My health, relationships, career and finances all took significant hits, leaving me with feelings of discouragement that couldn’t be overcome no matter how hard I tried. But this was then.

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Forgotten Youth: School Violence Has To Stop

Hi, guys. I had intended to post something light-hearted and fun today in order to kick off the weekend. Unfortunately, today’s sad news made it impossible for me to act as though it was just another day. I’ve always said that I was going to keep this site as personal and uplifting as possible: no politics, no current events, no drama. But then again, I never was the type to follow rules—even my own.

In case you have no idea what I’m about to talk about, there was yet another school shooting today. This time it was at Santa Fe High School in southeastern Texas. I haven’t been able to bring myself to read through all of the details, but at the time I last checked, 10 individuals were wounded and another 10 were killed. The suspect is only 17 years old.

What in God’s green Earth is wrong with some of the people in this world?

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Girl In Bloom: New Place, New Me

I’m finally able to see the finish line. There are only three days left until I can move into my new home.

Gosh, it feels so weird.

Tonight will actually be my final night here in the condo, and I’m surprisingly sad about it. If you would have talked to me back in February when I first arrived out here and told me that I’d end up hating to leave this place, I would have laughed in your face. I remember my first week like it was yesterday: I absolutely hated this place lol. Everything felt foreign. And I don’t mean foreign like “Oh, everything is new and I’m not sure where anything is”, but foreign as if I’d spent my entire life on Pluto—alone.

It took me a ridiculous amount of time to get accustomed to living here, but I’m not entirely sure why. I have moved an absurd amount of times throughout my life, so one would think that I could swap states like it’s nothing. Normally, this would totally be the case. I’ve always jumped at the opportunity to check out a new city and have new adventures, so I thought this move would be a cakewalk. Well, that isn’t exactly how the story went this time around. For the first time ever, moving to a new environment left me feeling vulnerable, out of place and…a little scared.

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Weight Loss Journey Update: FML, I Have 163 Lbs To Lose

It has probably been a week or so since my last weight loss journey update. I’ve been procrastinating a bit with the update for a couple of reasons, but the most prominent reason has to do with the fact that I’ve been dealing with some fairly difficult stuff in my everyday life. The last few days have been especially emotionally trying for me, which has caused me to get off track with many of my goals. Of course, I made the mistake of allowing my emotions to disrupt my weight loss routine (as always), so I wasn’t particularly thrilled about announcing that I haven’t been on my best behavior diet-wise.

Despite my recent shortcomings, I am not completely discouraged. This last period of time has been challenging, yes, but I am dead set on getting back on track this week. Since my last update, I have managed to shake off my anxiety about trying to lose weight ASAP. I’m really starting to come to terms with the reality of my situation, and the reality is that this process will be one hell of a marathon. Not a sprint, but a cross-country crawl. I will not reach my goal weight any time in the near future, so I may as well forget about trying to achieve the impossible.

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Grad School Or Bust: Test Anxiety and Armpits (Part 2)

Some people are simply born to do or be something. Singers sing, writers write, bakers bake. For those who have an undeniable talent in a particular area, their life purpose is usually obvious from a young age. To do anything else would seem quite unnatural.

Well, I think this is how it was for me. I’d spent the vast majority of my life saying I wanted to study psychology and contribute something notable to the field. If I didn’t grow up to be a psychiatrist, what else on God’s green Earth could I do? More importantly, who would I be? Be it wrong or be it right, my entire identity was soundly wrapped up in the notion of me becoming a therapist one day. It was the pillar of all my other life goals. I truly believed it was who I was.

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