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Is it enough?

Am I enough?

Will this ever be alright?

Still going insane

Got to stifle this pain

So I’m losing sleep, drowning every night

I’m tossing

I’m turning

Still hurting, but learning

Can’t find any peace of mind in a life like mine

Eyes open

Eyes closed

Who knows?

I’m

Not

Okay

But since you’ve asked, I’m fine.

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Cali Girl

Neatly folding my gauzy swimsuit coverup, I tucked it into the corner of the suitcase and sighed. I had done it. Every square inch of the oversized cheetah print rolling case was occupied by a perfectly coordinated sandal, blouse or handbag. 

The notion that I was overpacking briefly crossed my mind before fading away. Sure, I would only be in San Diego for a handful of days, but as I saw it, I had to be prepared for anything. After all, this was the trip I’d been pining for— a relaxing respite by the ocean. If I felt it necessary to cram every item I could think of into a suitcase that would consequently become too heavy to lug down the stairs, why not just go with it?

I laughed to myself as I riffled through the muck and mess of my desk drawer in search of a luggage lock. All this fuss over a trip I had not too long ago felt lukewarm about! It’s true; when the opportunity to travel to the all too familiar beach town was initially presented to me, I had accepted it, but not without strong apprehension. It was certainly no coincidence to be offered a free trip to California right on the heels of being instructed to “go home”, but this was also a trip I’d wished to avoid— permanently.

My relationship with my home state has been rocky for many years. Though it is the land of my birth, a physical manifestation of all that I hold dear, and the primary backdrop to my most treasured memories in life, it is also the final resting place of my naivety. It was during my last visit to the Golden State that I had my rose-colored glasses slapped clean off my face. My friends were not my friends. My family was not my family. My life, as I knew it, had been exposed as a well orchestrated lie. It hurt to finally see the truth about the people I loved, so I left, vowing to never return. 

Everything and everyone was gone. I was emotionally homeless. 

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25 to Life: Finding My “Flow”

I love you like the pain I feel when I get sad

Before I reminisce about the love we had

Before I messed us up with ridged expectations

Before I pressed your buttons, made you lose your patience

I need you like a blood transfusion when I bleed

I cry so hard, but through my tears you’re all I see

I cry so hard that I go numb, can hardly breathe

I cry so hard, but shallow cuts make me feel freed

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My Beautiful Twin

Mirror, mirror on the wall

You say I’m fairest of them all

But if it’s so, then may I ask:

Why my sole friend’s this old cracked glass?

You aren’t the glass, not quite the shards

A twin of sorts—we share twin scars.

This fractured frame is where we meet.

Two halves made whole, but ne’er complete.

You’re a fickle friend, coyly fragile too

With your hollow chest, static mood of blue

But I trust you, love—it’s a plague most queer.

You tell come-hither lies I’m so desperate to hear.

If looks could kill, you would stand on trial

for that intravenous strychnine smile.

You’re a siren’s song, boasting crimson lips.

Where’d a little girl find such carnal hips?

Who are you when you’re not with me?

Are you strutting and prancing for all eyes to see?

They claim to adore you, but it’s simply not true.

If they can’t love me, then they’ve never loved you!

You seem nubile—yes—with your wanton ways

Til you catch your prey and your facade frays.

You flirt with fire, then flee the flames

A coquettish child playing grownup games

When they find you out, you tuck tail and hide.

You return to me and I nurse your pride.

But it won’t last long.

It’s a passing phase.

History repeating.

It’s a cyclic maze.

I am your mind, but you are my face.

If you’re my idol, I’m your saving grace.

This glass between us is a private hell

for the sides of me no one knows too well.

© C.M. 2018 All Rights Reserved

 

Today’s poem was originally written several months ago. After tweaking the title and having plenty of time to contemplate my motives for having written this, I must say that it is another personal favorite of mine. This particular piece serves as an equally mocking and compassionate open letter addressed to the woman I see in the mirror– the woman the world knows. However, it was written from the perspective of a woman no one has ever seen– my inner self, if you will.

The dichotomy between the person I am in this physical space we call reality and the identity I have in the intangible space of my inner mind has left me confounded for ages. I never intentionally set out to live the life of so many different people (all fighting and claiming to be the “real” me), yet I find that I have spent a good majority of my life juggling many masks.

Despite these often contradictory sides of self being purely genuine pieces of my personality, having to manage the lack of integration has been quite tiresome over the years. Who should I show this side of myself to? Or that side to? Perhaps you have personal experience dealing with such a dilemma. Maybe your social media portrays your existence as a 24-hour parade of unicorns, rainbows and glitter, whilst your actual life is more reminiscent of the city dump…on a rainy day.

I guess this raises a very interesting question or two regarding our true identities. I mean, which “us” is the real one? Is it the little voice inside our head that pokes and prods our deepest insecurities? Is it the person who cheerfully smiles at strangers as we pass them on the street, despite the things that little voice whispers to us?

Perhaps “we” are the sum of all these fragmented sides of ourselves.

Then again, perhaps we are none of them.

What do you guys think? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, so please feel free to share your opinions down below.
If you enjoyed this little blurb, I’d greatly appreciate you giving it a like or sharing it with someone you think might also enjoy it.
Also, don’t forget to follow this blog for more stories and ramblings! Ciao for now! ❤

 

Chanelsignature

*Unless otherwise specified to be property of LonersGuideToLife.com, all photos were sourced from Pexels.*

 

L Stands For Luminol

In the damp cell of life, I serve my time and think of you.

Your silenced lips now haunt me. If only I’d known what I’d do.

I often hear your voice, and I sometimes sense your soul.

I always taste your tears, so I never feel quite whole.

You are the man I love. Yet, you’re the drug I hate, but need.

Still, I’m the one who shrugs; I wash my hands of why you bleed.

Why did you make me do it? We could’ve worked, I knew we could!

If only you had done the things you swore to me you would.

I chose a dress of Chantilly lace. I chose a dress of white.

Then I chose to end a life—that was our final fight.

I tried to practice temperance, to be patient– Don’t you see?

But when you broke your promises, you got the best of me.

I thought I could backpedal and take back those things I said.

I thought that if I cleaned the blood, it’d raise you from the dead.

Soaking up harsh words, I tried to scrub your pain with bleach.

Yet traces of the crime remain in places I can’t reach.

They said you wouldn’t make it, but you told me you’d return.

It’s been two years. I’m shackled still. I guess I’ll never learn.

No one ever saw it coming. Some think I did it for the thrill.

My charge was Death By Tongue. Would you still say that words don’t kill?

© C.M. 2018 All Rights Reserved

 

Today’s poem is a repost from my deleted poetry blog; it is one of my favorites. If you are a habitual reader of mine (I’m totally grateful for you, if you are!), you may have noticed that the vast majority of my poetic attempts address my love life… (ahem) or pitiful lack thereof. This is hardly intentional, but love is a theme I feel is most relatable, so it’s okay by me if I keep writing about it. Hopefully, ya’ll don’t mind so much either 🙂

In other news… I’ve been MIA for awhile. Whoops. This is becoming a far more prevalent occurrence than I would care to admit, but I promise that it was for good reason this time. I’ve just returned from a much needed vacation, so I’m hoping that my stay by the sea was enough to shake loose the cobwebs of my mind. Though relatively brief and haphazardly planned, my trip was rather therapeutic, so I’m looking forward to sharing the random epiphanies I had during my absence.

As always, I hope you are all doing wonderfully. ❤

If you enjoyed this little blurb, I’d greatly appreciate you giving it a like or sharing it with someone you think might also enjoy it.
Also, don’t forget to follow this blog for more stories and ramblings! Ciao for now! ❤

 

Chanelsignature

*Unless otherwise specified to be property of LonersGuideToLife.com, all photos were sourced from Pexels.*

bluebird.

Bloodied heart. Wasted dreams.

I just can’t shake this love, no matter how much pain it brings.

I’m a grounded bluebird, with its shattered, tattered wings.

Even though the bird can’t fly, it isn’t dead, for it still sings.

That’s kind of how I feel about this thing called “us”.

At least, that’s how it was… these days it’s hard— there’s only dust.

Once ironclad, we’re tear-soaked.

Now there’s only rust.

So, I guess that’s just what happens when you 

lose

my

trust.

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Help! I Need Your Thoughts.

Hey, how goes it? I hope you are all doing well. 🙂

Today’s post is going to be fairly short. I can hear all the cheers and sighs of relief from here. Would you mind toning it down? You’re liable to hurt my poor feelings (lol). Thank you. That’s much better. Anyhoo, I come to you today in hopes that you guys can help me with something.

I was in the middle of my nightly shower when an idea suddenly popped into my head. Come to think of it, all of my seemingly “good” ideas are inspired in the bathroom. I wonder why that is… 

It seems that I feel compelled to start a new website and create a web-novel out of it. Though I love this blog ever so much, I am a fiction writer at heart. Sharing my past and present life with you all has been a cathartic and blissfully challenging experience thus far. However, I have recently developed a strong yearning to return to my roots. 

Currently, I am quite afflicted with a serious (and lengthy) bout of writer’s block, which has prevented me from moving forward with a novel of mine. When I say “lengthy”, I mean LENGTHY. It’s been about four years of write, delete, write, delete. Though this particular book is the most meaningful thing I’ve ever written, I must admit that I am… apprehensive about actually finishing it. 

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Changes: My Month Living As A Stranger

This is me.

Allegedly.*

Come to think about it, I’ve never actually verified that I am… well, myself (whoever that is). Mind boggling questions concerning my own existence aside, I am whoever I was the day I was born. 

I’d like to think that I’m far less dependent and helpless than I was back then. At least, I no longer find it appropriate to cry bloody murder whenever one of my basic needs requires attention. With any luck, I am much better off than I was as a clueless infant. However, I remain the same exact human being. 

Probably. 

Nonetheless, I have found myself living the life of a complete stranger lately. I’m not sure if the current state of affairs should bother me or not. For some reason I have this gut feeling that my usual self would be quite concerned about this. I would totally ask her about it too… if only I knew where to find her.

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Umm…. Whose Phone Is This?

Let me just start this off by saying that it is hardly uncommon for me to find items outside of my front door.

Small Amazon packages.

Large Amazon packages.

Sephora boxes.

Hungry (and extremely noisy) quails.

Gigantic, freakishly frightening Palo Verde beetles (Google these. I dare you)…

Copious amounts of sand and leaves.

Mid-sized Amazon packages.

Okay, so maybe I have a serious problem when it comes to shopping on Amazon. I’m working on it… sorta. That’s totally not the point I’m trying to make though. 

The concept that I’m trying to drive home today is plain and simple: I find random things on my doorstep on a very regular basis. Therefore, I have developed an almost compulsive habit of peeping out of my front door to see if any cool goodies (or scary creatures) are waiting for me on the patio. 

I also have a nearly compulsive tendency to track the shipping status of my online purchases multiple times a day, so I’m not too sure why I look outside for packages when I know full well that they haven’t arrived yet. It’s so weird, but it’s almost as though I expect deliveries from a mysterious benefactor to miraculously appear on a daily basis. I know this is highly improbable, but it never stops me from poking my head out into the blistering heat to check anyway. You know, “just in case”. 😛

Ya’ll, I got a bit of a shock today.

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Meet My New Kitten!

So… I’ve been absent from here for awhile lately. I’m truly sorry for that. 

I’ve made several attempts to peck out something or another, but my efforts have all ended with a retreat to the delete button. My most recent deletion was a detailed explanation that I decided was far too lengthy for its own good. Extremely long story short, there has been a lot of change in my life lately. Though I am quite thrilled about these changes, they have left me needing a lot more “me time”, which is a major reason for my silence.

No one told me to go rampaging through my life with a sledgehammer, but that’s essentially what I’ve done. In addition to adopting many new habits and undergoing a somewhat drastic change in appearance, I’ve been trying to rearrange my daily schedule. Well, all of this hustle and bustle has left me rather drained at the end of each day. I’m used to doing my writing late at night, but I simply haven’t had the energy to stay up long enough lately.

I sincerely hope to return to my (somewhat) daily posts soon, but I make no promises as to when! There are so many things that I’d like to share right now. However, I feel the need to take a bit of a step back for awhile. 

Although I am adjusting well to everything that is going on, I still feel emotionally taxed at times. I’ve never really gone through a period of time such as this, so it is rather difficult to describe it. Though I am perfectly content with life (despite the tone of my last poem), I admittedly lack the concentration I need to write coherently.

Anyhow, I’m not here to talk about all of this. Not yet, at least! Today, I’d like to talk about one of the changes I’ve recently made: I got a new kitten! 

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