Cali Girl

Neatly folding my gauzy swimsuit coverup, I tucked it into the corner of the suitcase and sighed. I had done it. Every square inch of the oversized cheetah print rolling case was occupied by a perfectly coordinated sandal, blouse or handbag. 

The notion that I was overpacking briefly crossed my mind before fading away. Sure, I would only be in San Diego for a handful of days, but as I saw it, I had to be prepared for anything. After all, this was the trip I’d been pining for— a relaxing respite by the ocean. If I felt it necessary to cram every item I could think of into a suitcase that would consequently become too heavy to lug down the stairs, why not just go with it?

I laughed to myself as I riffled through the muck and mess of my desk drawer in search of a luggage lock. All this fuss over a trip I had not too long ago felt lukewarm about! It’s true; when the opportunity to travel to the all too familiar beach town was initially presented to me, I had accepted it, but not without strong apprehension. It was certainly no coincidence to be offered a free trip to California right on the heels of being instructed to “go home”, but this was also a trip I’d wished to avoid— permanently.

My relationship with my home state has been rocky for many years. Though it is the land of my birth, a physical manifestation of all that I hold dear, and the primary backdrop to my most treasured memories in life, it is also the final resting place of my naivety. It was during my last visit to the Golden State that I had my rose-colored glasses slapped clean off my face. My friends were not my friends. My family was not my family. My life, as I knew it, had been exposed as a well orchestrated lie. It hurt to finally see the truth about the people I loved, so I left, vowing to never return. 

Everything and everyone was gone. I was emotionally homeless. 

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Shame On You

“If only I knew then what I know now.” I have such mixed feelings about this statement.

For the most part, I avoid saying things like this because hindsight is 20/20. In the majority of cases, I think most people would take the knowledge they have now and use it to positively influence their past if they thought it could lead to a preferable outcome. All the same, we can’t go back in time and alter anything, which renders the whole wishful nature of statements such as these useless…

… yet I still found myself thinking this way when I read over today’s post.

There is a certain degree of detachment for me when I read past writings such as the one below. Although I can vividly recall how I felt in those particular moments, it still feels slightly foreign. This is quite a peculiar position to be in because I never thought my day of freedom would come. I’d been imprisoned against my will by inexplicable sorrow for so long… my current state of being is supremely surreal in comparison.

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Accept Thyself: A Daunting Journey

It is amazing to see how something can go from looking like the best idea ever to looking like a dire mistake in the short span of 24 hours.

After publishing the first of my old blog posts last night, I spent about three to four hours going through the entries that followed it. When I exported my posts they were spat out in XML, which rendered them poorly formatted for copy and pasting purposes (you know, the easy way of doing things).

Naturally, I couldn’t leave it looking like that, so I had to get to work editing out the nonsensical characters and organizing everything by date. I also needed to remove any blatantly personal information, typos, grammatical errors, unintentional redundancy, certain individual’s names, and excessive expletives (I was quite fond of sailor’s speech back in the day).

Sure, the work ahead will be positively tedious (I’ve only gone through 2.5 posts so far), but I strangely enjoy searching for errors. What I haven’t enjoyed as much is reading the things I had to say about myself. This is why I now wonder if I’ve made a mistake in thinking that I should share these old writings. I am afraid.

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Dirty Laundry (Load #1)

Secrets. Quirks. Well concealed personal facts. We all have them.

For some people, these tidbits of information may be far too embarrassing, too reputation-bruising to share with their closest friends and family. They may go to great lengths to hide their idiosyncrasies from the world in hopes of them ceasing to exist simply by ignoring them. However, they may get caught in a perpetual cycle of bondage, finding themselves wearing masks and hiding the fullness of their being from the world.

For others, the act of consciously calling attention to their greatest fears, oddities and failures as a human being can be liberating. No longer is there a fear of someone finding out that you aren’t as squeaky clean and perfect as you try to appear. No one can “expose” you or your secrets because you’ve already sufficiently ruined your reputation all on your own. At least, I think this is how unfiltered self-disclosure works. I’ve never tried it, so I could have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about right now. It sounded pretty convincing though, huh?

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Sticks & Stones: Please Think Before You Speak

I’ve been going through a very difficult time recently. Though I don’t particularly wish to get into the full details of why that is (I will more than likely speak on it when I’m feeling up to it), I will say that I have been dealing with issues involving self-esteem and confidence. Some aspects of my life have not been going very well lately, so it’s been a bit challenging to keep a smile on my face and fight the urge to allow a sense of defeat and hopelessness to knock me out of the game completely.

I sincerely apologize if this or any of my recent posts aren’t cheerful. I often feel very self-conscious about posting when I am not feeling my absolute best because I am the kind of person who wears their feelings on their face and in their speech. It always feels as though I will pollute everything I do by writing happy words in a sad tone, so I typically refuse to post when that is the case.

Despite having started this blog to share all aspects of my personal life, my true desire is to connect with and help uplift others. That being said, I wish every post could be nothing but sunshine, rainbows and kittens. However, this post isn’t going to be any of those things. For that, I am very sorry. All the same, I come bearing a very sincere request for all who may stumble upon today’s post and read it: Please think before you speak. You never know what the person you are speaking to is truly going through.

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Weight Loss Journey Update: FML, I Have 163 Lbs To Lose

It has probably been a week or so since my last weight loss journey update. I’ve been procrastinating a bit with the update for a couple of reasons, but the most prominent reason has to do with the fact that I’ve been dealing with some fairly difficult stuff in my everyday life. The last few days have been especially emotionally trying for me, which has caused me to get off track with many of my goals. Of course, I made the mistake of allowing my emotions to disrupt my weight loss routine (as always), so I wasn’t particularly thrilled about announcing that I haven’t been on my best behavior diet-wise.

Despite my recent shortcomings, I am not completely discouraged. This last period of time has been challenging, yes, but I am dead set on getting back on track this week. Since my last update, I have managed to shake off my anxiety about trying to lose weight ASAP. I’m really starting to come to terms with the reality of my situation, and the reality is that this process will be one hell of a marathon. Not a sprint, but a cross-country crawl. I will not reach my goal weight any time in the near future, so I may as well forget about trying to achieve the impossible.

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Weight Loss Update: Big Changes, Discouragement and Unexplained Illness

It has been a little while since I last mentioned my weight loss progress. Much to my own surprise, I didn’t go ape nuts with food after my water fast. On the contrary, I rolled directly out of the fast into a sensible weight loss regimen. It is far too early to declare any amazing or shocking results, but I am managing to stick with it. So far, so good.

You know how you can sometimes be on a diet, cutting so much out that you want to maul anyone who gets to eat something other than rabbit food? I’ve definitely been there countless times before, which is why I am trying to not make the same mistake all over again. My only real concern is that I’m starting to feel as though my current weight loss plan may be too manageable. Too easy.

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30-Something, Single Female: Drunk Texting Or Something Similar

I am the worst blogger ever.

The entire point of me having a personal blog is to share snippets of my everyday life. Meanwhile, drama is unfolding behind the scenes and I’ve been sitting on my butt missing it all! I’ve simply got to do better.

My mind is a mess right now. My emotions are even worse off. I actually feel drunk or otherwise intoxicated even though I haven’t had a sip of liquor in years. Even though I feel a slight disturbance brewing in my stomach region and an overwhelming sense of “WTF have I just done” is washing over me, I believe I have done the right thing, at the right time, for the first time ever. I just drunk texted my ex-fiancé. Well, sorta. Okay, not really.

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