Hello everyone! I hope all of you are doing well.
As for me… it’s complicated.
For those of you who are heavy into astrology, you are probably fully aware that Mercury retrograde has been alive and well (aka unnecessarily, but characteristically evil). But for those of you who are over there thinking “Mercury retro-what?”, this may be an educational feat best left to Google. ☺️
Even though I’m not particularly fussed with keeping track of planetary movements and the like, I recently happened to catch a glimpse of something in my newsfeed about Mercury being in retrograde. Suddenly, the last few weeks of my life have made perfect sense.
Okay, so maybe I’m still as bewildered and burnt out as I was before coming across the article, but at least I am no longer so confused as to why I’ve been feeling so… well, confused.
Not. Even. Bothered.
Truth be told, 2019 has been a frenemy of mine thus far; I’m not sure if I’ve been having a good time or not.
I mean, on one hand, I’ve been all fresh out of give-a-damn, which has been really useful in circumstances that could have resulted in supreme frustration. Part of my nonchalant attitude during these sparse, but low-key annoying situations was attributed to the fact that I had already “been there and done that”; if things worked out favorably once, I knew they could certainly do so again.
Allowing myself to get worked up about certain things just seemed like too much… work lol. Then again, I’ve mostly been too sleep deprived and desperate to conserve energy to be bothered with the nonsense that has begged to take root around me.
As someone who usually (barely) functions on a lack of sleep rivaling that of parents with a newborn colicky, insomniac infant, I sometimes feel as though I have been asleep for the majority of 2019.
Instead of staying up until ridiculous hours of the night only to rise by 6 am, I’ve been staying up until even more ridiculous hours of the night, YET waking up so. much. later. I mean, I’m one of those weirdos who thinks that getting up at 8 am is “sleeping in”, so… yeah. I’m totally walking on the wild side now. 😛
And naps. LOTS of naps. I’m basically a cat now. I will gladly sleep anytime, anywhere. In the middle of your conversation? Not a problem. Two minutes into studying? Absolutely! I’m even turning off the PS4 mid-mission now because getting extra sleep has become glaringly more critical than locating that last collectible that someone on IGN has already found for me.
I know. I know. How dare I sound so displeased about making the whole world my mattress!
Inherently, these are really helpful changes; I could completely afford to stress less and snooze more. However, feeling compelled to slow down and greatly simplify my day-to-day routine has left me feeling a smidge unproductive. It isn’t as though I’ve spent the last few months motionlessly molting in a corner though; I have definitely done things… they simply haven’t been the things I had planned to do, the things I thought I should be doing.
That’s always been the problem with Mercury retrograde. It just waltzes into your life and flips you, your sanity, and your plans the bird! Too bad that you’re totally not feeling yourself all of a sudden; prepare to feel like your brain is in a blender. And not one of those cheap, janky ones either.
It’s in a Vitamix.
For some peculiar and seemingly unavoidable reason nothing goes the way you expected—much less the way you wanted. Your tech goes on the fritz. Communication with others goes every which way except for right. Suddenly, you are prone to have more accidents (RIP broken iPad case). Your sense of direction and resolve goes MIA, leaving you on the battlefield—unarmed behind enemy lines.
Then, as if being disoriented and puzzled by your own life isn’t exhausting enough, everyone around you is dealing with their own warped reality at. the. same. time. as. you.
How inconvenient. 😒
So Much For Living Life Like A Hamster
It’s genuinely not all bad though. True, Mercury retrograde always makes me feel like I’m not only veering off course in life, but purposely plunging off a cliff. However, the confusion that typically crops up during this time is usually enough of an inclination that I need to pump the breaks and take a breather from whatever I was doing before the brain fog rolled in.
I don’t know about you, but it is often so difficult for me to push pause on my own agenda.
Perhaps it is because I’m already a prolific and completely unashamed procrastinator as it is. By the time I stop fooling around and properly get my head in the game, it is all systems go. I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to take a break. I just want to run around and around my little “to-do wheel” like a hamster until I feel there is significant progress being made to reach my goals.
Unfortunately, there are times when despite having the best plans and intentions, we can suddenly lose our way.
Whether it truly is planetary mischief-making (curse you, Mercury retrograde!) or simply our inner man telling us to slow down, if you randomly find yourself lost, you need to stop and figure out where you are.
Grab a map, ask for directions, or simply retrace your steps… whatever you do to find your way back, just remember that it is okay to not go a million miles per hour all of the time. There is a time for everything in life, so it is sometimes necessary for us to go a bit slower than we would like.
At times, stillness—not endless activity— is exactly what is required to make the most forward progress in our lives.
You may even discover that the path you were on wasn’t the best route to take in the first place!
As for me, I currently need to take a break from many things in my life because it simply isn’t worth the futility of a fight.
It is so weird though because one day I was hyped up and totally passionate about the things I was working on, the next day I couldn’t have cared less. Instead of taking the time to realize that God wanted me to focus my attention elsewhere, I was determined to bang my head against a wall, trying to force myself to do things I had ZERO interest in.
It took awhile (several weeks), but I eventually got the memo: It is time to shift gears. I’ve only recently loosened my grip on my predetermined to-do list, but having done so has allowed me to be so much more effective in the areas I’m currently investing more time and energy.
If I achieved nothing else during this awkward time, I at least managed to pinpoint my specific psych research interests. Well, sort of. I’m definitely getting closer, so that’s a major plus.
Write It Down, Make It Plain
All of this being said, I need to take a leave of absence from the blog for a little bit, you guys. Well, not the entire blog necessarily, but definitely from the topic I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to tackle (even though I may still go missing for a little bit to take care of a few things).
When I first started working on my current series I didn’t realize just how deep the rabbit hole went. Now that I’ve started wading around in the annals of my mind, remembering things I’d pretty much shut away as a means of self-preservation, I realize that there is so much more to share than even twenty posts could properly convey.
You see, I don’t want to feel as though I have to edit out important truths just to make the story fit into nice, short, easily digestible posts that people can quickly skim through before getting back to whatever they would normally do.
This is a topic that is far too important to condense the way I would need to in order to really help people understand the true complex nature of it. All the same, I don’t want to neglect other kinds of posts that others might be more interested in reading. Fun ones, for example.
So… I’ve decided to take a break so I can expand my current/last series into a book.
I literally made this decision earlier today, so I haven’t even begun to wrap my mind around the entire concept yet (hopefully I can share the journey as new developments crop up). All the same, I feel called to tackle this new adventure (just as soon as Mercury retrograde stops picking on me). 😂
But in all seriousness, I hope for this book to accurately portray just one perspective of the greater picture. After all, my own story goes beyond just binge eating. The story of how this particular issue manifested and evolved is so much more than having scarfed down a couple packets of fruit snacks and a box of cookies once or twice when I was a kid. It is literally a lifetime of dysfunctional beliefs regarding food and weight that over time were exacerbated by personal trauma, anxiety, depression, and other forms of disordered eating.
Though the specific details of my personal story are unique to me, the struggles I have faced and continue to face each day are well known by far too many men and women out there. Some of you may identify with my story more than you currently realize. In which case, I genuinely hope that the completion of the book will provide comfort and hope whilst encouraging compassion and understanding.
I will be sure to provide progress updates and possible release dates for those who are interested in this content. It will be fun to have you all along for the ride.
So until next time, I hope you all take the very best care of yourselves and those around you. I will return as soon as I can!
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