I’m lying here in the dark.
How did this all go wrong? No beating of my heart.
I took the blue pills frequently; I craved the end.
Wish I could take the red pills
Bring me back again
I’m sorry for the sorrow, yes!
So sorry for the tears
So sorry for the pain I’ll cause you in upcoming years
I swear, I never meant to ever break and let you down
I always thought that one day my bad luck could turn around
You know when I was younger, only learning how to walk?
Back when I was your little girl, just learning how to talk?
You taught me I was special, told me I could always do
Whatever in this dark world that I set my bright mind to
Well, I never grew to see these things you spoke about
I gave this life my all, but never could quite figure out
How to be myself and still survive this ugly world
How to love myself authentically when lies and hate were hurled
They criticized my speech, my skin, my dreams and hair
They judged the kinds of friends I kept
The clothes I’d wear
I never knew that being me was such a sordid sin
Didn’t know the heavy price I’d pay for never fitting in
You both always told me, “Let their words roll off your back.”
“They’re jealous of the gifts you have, of all the gifts they lack.”
Tell me, what good’s intellect cooped up inside the head
of a tortured soul who feels they might glow brighter dead?
It’s unlikely that they envy all that I’ve become
They fought so hard to tear me down!
Mom, Dad, I think they’ve won!
Now there’s no more hiding all the lonely tears I’ve shed
Beneath the soggy pillows lying here atop my bed
So please just lie me down inside a coffin— creamy white
To sleep off all the memories of this relentless fight
I’m lying here stiff and cold.
I am still alone without a hand to hold.
I took the blue pills frequently; I craved the end.
Wish I could take the red pills
Bring me back again
© C. M. 2018 All Rights Reserved
Commentary: This poem was written a number of months ago as a reflection upon a specific span of time during my adolescence.
I was bullied quite badly by a particular group of students the vast majority of my junior and senior years in high school (for reasons I may elaborate on at another time). In addition to stalking me outside of school and physically attacking me on school grounds, it eventually reached a point where I had to be homeschooled for the last half of senior year after receiving repeated death threats as I attempted to pass from one class to another. I was so afraid to be around these same students (or their friends) that I was unable to attend my own graduation.
Needless to say, the experience was quite traumatizing for me, and though I have worked extremely hard to heal from these experiences, the bullying I experienced continues to impair my ability to form bonds with new people. Continued isolation and prolonged social anxiety has prevented me from living the full and happy social life all people should be able to freely enjoy. Hence, why I am currently an unwitting “loner” and this site isn’t called “The Social Butterfly’s Guide To Life”.
Depression and feelings of worthlessness, while no longer main fixtures of my life, were serious issues for me at that time. The combination of constant fear and severely damaged self-esteem eventually drove me to partake in an array of self-destructive behaviors, that if they’d been continued, could have easily ended my life and any hope of a happier future.
Though this is hardly a topic I have ever publicly discussed at length and though I feel extremely saddened to admit it, there have been many, many times in my life when I wondered if my life was even worth saving.
I share this poem today not to condone taking substances or to encourage anyone to turn to self-harming behaviors in order to cope with painful life circumstances–quite the contrary. I share it to encourage anyone who finds themselves in a seemingly hopeless place to consider the symbolic “blue” and “red pills” we can take in life.
“Blue pills” are the choices we make that are damaging to ourselves or to the people around us. Unhealthy relationships. Alcohol. Drugs. Sex. Eating disorders. Financial irresponsibility. Blue pills are the decisions we make that are not only destructive, but potentially irreversible. They are the callous comments you carelessly toss at your wife/husband or children, or the DUI you acquire that lands you behind bars. And in the worst case scenario, the blue pill could represent total loss of hope: suicide.
Today, I simply wish to encourage anyone who is struggling in life to choose “the red pill”. Choose hope. Choose life. Choose friendship. Choose love. Choose dreams. Choose God. Choose anything that has even the slightest potential to help you reclaim the real you because no matter what we have gone through or how difficult things get, there is always another choice and a better choice than giving up on ourselves. However, it is only our choice to make. For your sake, please make the right one.
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