This is me.
Come to think about it, I’ve never actually verified that I am… well, myself (whoever that is). Mind boggling questions concerning my own existence aside, I am whoever I was the day I was born.
I’d like to think that I’m far less dependent and helpless than I was back then. At least, I no longer find it appropriate to cry bloody murder whenever one of my basic needs requires attention. With any luck, I am much better off than I was as a clueless infant. However, I remain the same exact human being.
Nonetheless, I have found myself living the life of a complete stranger lately. I’m not sure if the current state of affairs should bother me or not. For some reason I have this gut feeling that my usual self would be quite concerned about this. I would totally ask her about it too… if only I knew where to find her.
You see, I’ve not felt “myself” for a very long time now. Okay, maybe it has only been a month or so, but it seriously seems as though it has been an eternity. Likewise, it feels as though this “condition” cropped up overnight. Imagine going to bed feeling perfectly fine one night only to wake up dazed and confused the following morning.
In some ways, this explanation would have been much more palatable because then I could have assumed that I had spontaneously lost my mind. End of story. However, I know full well that this wasn’t the case. On the contrary, I’ve been changing all along. Heck, I moved out here wanting a massive change. A new state. A new climate. A new house. A new life.
Believe me, I wanted to do everything I could to become a brand spanking new, nearly unrecognizable person. Yet, once I finally started to see obvious signs that I had indeed changed, I felt deeply, deeply unsettled.
Then Things Got Weird— Really Weird
I spent the entire month of July caught up in a perilous haze of low-key distress over the fact that I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. This is why I barely posted anything last month. This is also why I could hardly function in life. If something didn’t have an “Urgent” label slapped across it, I simply could not bother to do it.
Now, I don’t know if any of you have ever had an odd “awakening” such as this, so I am sorry if this sounds a little peculiar. Just imagine being on auto-pilot 24/7. Outside of doing mundane tasks (showering, paying bills, eating), I couldn’t think straight at all. Whenever I wanted to work on things for my business or do something creative, I’d just shut down. I felt so emotionally dulled. Even though I would get up and do the things I needed to do, I felt aloof and spacey the entire time. Naps became my nearest and dearest friends.
Though there was absolutely nothing wrong with me physically, I knew something was going on. However, the more I would try to ask myself what was happening, the more I would shut down inside. In hindsight, I should have just gone with the flow and accepted my inner “nothingness”. Deep down I knew that I was going through some kind of spiritual growth and that everything would improve if I simply sat back and relaxed. However, I decided to freak out and press the issue of finding out what was “wrong” with me.
Why, oh why was I contentedly staring into space for no apparent reason at all? Why couldn’t I type a single coherent sentence? I wanted to know everything, but as I found out, the desire to gain knowledge is not always conducive to attaining it. After completely exhausting myself, I gave in and simply stopped questioning everything. Even though I wanted to be super productive, I knew I needed to just stop and chill out until I gained better clarity.
My instincts told me to spend time doing things I’ve always loved. This led to several hour Sims 4 binges, late night guitar playing, and country song sing-alongs. My instincts also told me to try something new. This is how I ended up owning a didgeridoo and bongo drum (I love learning how to play both, btw). I also bought a ton of new clothes in a style I’ve never experimented with before.
And how could I resist a wild new hairstyle? Maybe it isn’t very wild at all, but it’s definitely a drastic change for me. Teaching myself how to put faux locs in my hair was an interesting and humorous experience. Well, it wasn’t too funny when I got the crochet hook tangled up in my hair and I thought I’d have to cut it out, but hey!— You live and you learn. 😀
The Times They Are A-Changin’
The truth of the matter is that July was a crucial period of change.
I’m not sure if turning a year older had anything to do with it, but I do find it curious that things got really intense around the time of my birthday. Though I honestly don’t have many thoughts about getting older, it seems as though my birthday was symbolic of a new beginning for me. Even though that entire month was kind of difficult for me to deal with, I was somehow able to correct a number of things in my life that have been dysfunctional for years.
I’ve been working out a lot and eating exceptionally well for the last six weeks or so, which is quite significant for me. Part of my “confusion” was probably due to having suddenly changed my lifestyle so drastically. My body probably thought I was trying to kill it at first (lol), but it seems to have gotten with the program now. Surprisingly, I haven’t fallen off the wagon yet. I might be clinging onto it for dear life, but I haven’t fallen off.
There have also been several things from my past that have been brought to my attention recently. Even though I knew these memories existed somewhere in my mind, I had done a really good job of “forgetting” them over the years. Suddenly remembering everything kind of threw me off, which didn’t feel that great, but I’m sure it serves a purpose.
I truly believe our minds and spirits will sometimes drudge up old emotions and memories in order to help us advance to a new level in life, you know? I don’t know why these particular memories popped up out of the blue, but I have faith that my remembrance of them will help me in the time to come.
Slowly, but surely, I am regaining my focus and sense of “self”. I’ve been far more productive in recent days, which makes me much happier than sitting around like a rock whilst wondering why I’m actually enjoying sitting around like a rock. Things are still a bit hazy from time to time and my sleep has been rather wonky, but I know I’ll be back to normal soon. Well, back to my “new normal”, anyway.
Public Service Announcement
I just wanted to share this experience with you guys in case it can help someone. So many people talk about the need for change in life and the importance of spiritual growth, but I rarely ever hear anyone discuss what can happen when change goes rouge (lol). The more you challenge yourself and the more you seek to change your life, just prepared for anything.
Despite wanting to change for the better, we don’t always feel comfortable stepping outside of our comfort zones. You can get so used to doing the same things, going to the same places or behaving in a particular way that when you do change things up, your life can start to feel foreign. Entering into new territory requires us to learn a whole new way of doing things, which can potentially leave us feeling overwhelmed. In this case, it’s totally okay to feel scared, sad, or in my case, nothing at all.
It sometimes takes time for us to acclimate to everything that’s going on around us, so it’s important to always be kind to yourself. If you know you’re working really hard to reach a goal or to change a circumstance in your life, but you find yourself suddenly feeling “off”, take a break! Do things that make you happy, spend time with people you love, and just be receptive to the process of change.
Whatever you do, don’t be like me and overthink things! Go with your flow! 🙂
*(…Also regrettably. I apologize for the lack of makeup. I’m notoriously lazy about that these days. And before anyone can be weird about it, that’s a tank top I’m wearing, not a bra. Not that I have anything against bras. It’s just…well, whatever (lol). It’s an actual shirt at any rate.)
Have any of you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and thought, “Who is that?!” Does anything I described sound remotely familiar to an experience you’ve had? Can someone please confirm that this is actually a thing, and that I haven’t spent the last hour simply trying to convince myself? Let’s chit chat about my possible delusion down in the comments section below!
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