“If only I knew then what I know now.” I have such mixed feelings about this statement.
For the most part, I avoid saying things like this because hindsight is 20/20. In the majority of cases, I think most people would take the knowledge they have now and use it to positively influence their past if they thought it could lead to a preferable outcome. All the same, we can’t go back in time and alter anything, which renders the whole wishful nature of statements such as these useless…
… yet I still found myself thinking this way when I read over today’s post.
There is a certain degree of detachment for me when I read past writings such as the one below. Although I can vividly recall how I felt in those particular moments, it still feels slightly foreign. This is quite a peculiar position to be in because I never thought my day of freedom would come. I’d been imprisoned against my will by inexplicable sorrow for so long… my current state of being is supremely surreal in comparison.
I will say that while I am so grateful and happy to have escaped that dark and lonely place, my joy still has a slightly bittersweet aftertaste from time to time. If I’m honest, there are still times when I feel quite invisible in this world, but it’s definitely not for lack of trying. Likewise, the people I’d suspected of being untrustworthy and cruel ended up to be so much worse than I could have imagined. It saddens me to realize that nothing improved on that front in all these years. I wish things had turned out differently for everyone involved…
I guess this is a huge reason why I wish I’d had my current knowledge way back in 2006. It’s actually creepy to know how perceptive I was of other people’s true motives long before I came to learn the full extent of their maliciousness. The unfortunate part is that I allowed my love for these individuals to prevent me from doing what would have been best for me and my family— removing them from our lives. It eventually occurred, I just wish I had done it much sooner.
Everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated… it’s just human nature to want to have a sense of community and belonging. When you can’t find that kind of support, it can significantly impair your ability to navigate life’s rougher waters. This is why it is so important for us to take time out of our busy lives to encourage people outside of our normal social circles. You’ll never know the difference you can make.
For anyone who feels ignored or unappreciated by the people in their lives, my best advice is to do for yourself what they can’t or won’t. You don’t have to wait for someone else to celebrate the person you are or the things you do in order to feel valued. Besides, no one will ever be able to love and care for you better than yourself (nor is it their job to), so show yourself the respect you deserve.
And to the unmentionable, unremarkable people I wrote about so long ago… I’m still here. Much to your dismay, your callous tactics left not so much as a scratch upon me. Still, what goes around, comes around… it’s unlikely that karma has forgotten your address. Though I’m not exactly where I’d like to be, I thank God that I’m not where I was. Consider this the “credit” you’re owed… it’s the last shout out you will ever get from me.
November 3, 2006
Everyone looks straight through me. They act like I’m a no one. They act like I will never be a someone. It hurts having to wake up in the morning just to be a nobody.
I’m hated for fighting back, but I’m equally hated for backing down. It often seems as though there is nothing left inside of me, but this isn’t the case. I still have strength enough to cry, so I do.
People seem to be under the impression that I’m some heartless metallic robot void of emotions and feelings. What am I then? A piece of garbage to just use up and thrown away? Eh. Perhaps they are right. After all, nothing brings me joy anymore. Nothing and no one.
I don’t understand why no one ever asks me how I am. Like, really.
… how I’m doing
… how I’m feeling
… what I’m thinking.
The way they look at me… glares so cold they could bust glass. Friends? Family? No one cares. Birds of a feather. The jealous and fake are always there to root you on until you prove that you can do better than you have been. They don’t want to see you win, but they’ll be there for you as long as you promise to never outshine them.
What I wouldn’t give for a real friend in this world.
I know that all of this could be over in the blink of an eye. I’m afraid that I may wake up one day and decide today’s the day.
Years of crying out for help will come to a head for all who preferred to turn the other way, pretending not to notice. Everything will make perfect sense. All those times you ignored, abused and discounted me.
They won’t be able to say I “seemed happy” or that it was “an accident”. It will be so obvious… just about as obvious as it is to me that they shouldn’t be trusted.
But on the off chance that the burden doesn’t become all too much to bare and I somehow manage to climb to the top, I will be sure to attribute my success to having been stepped on by the very people I loved most.
That’s all the credit you will ever get. Best believe it’s far more acknowledgement than you actually deserve.
Shame on you.
Have you ever had an experience where you felt alone in a crowded room? I’d love to hear what you did to combat this feeling, so please feel free to share your story down below.
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