I may never come to understand why he meant so much to me…why this one night meant so much.
When I recall this particular memory there is such a rush of raw, poignant emotion. It has been twelve years. You have no idea how hard it is for me to believe this to be true. For me, it still feels like yesterday. It’s almost as though everything about the world has changed in those years except for my feelings for him. Sure, the details are fuzzy at best, but there is something about that man that never left me. “It” will never leave me.
I normally don’t sit around thinking about him or our relationship, as it has been so long. Heck, I’ve been in countless “situationships” and have managed to acquire and lose a whole entire fiancé since then. However, sharing my old writings from that time period has essentially forced me to remember all of the things that I’ve shoved back into the deepest recesses of my mind.
It’s true what they say, you know? Ignorance is bliss.
It is bliss to forget his face. It is bliss to forget his voice. It is bliss to forget the impression he left upon me. It is bliss to forget that I still blame myself for all that transpired in the time following today’s post. It is bliss to pretend that I’ve forgotten the time we shared together.
But our love…that I never forgot.
September 25, 2006
Adam and I had our anniversary on Saturday. We decided to hang out in SD, so I drove down there with all of his little gifts.
I got him V for Vendetta (because he loves that movie) along with two cases of Redbull (he’s addicted to the stuff). I also got him Lindt white chocolate with the yellow wrappers, a package of lighters to enable his smoking habit (Ha!), and a cheesecake pan with a cake that I baked. I drew an icing calendar on it and circled the day of our anniversary. He was so excited.
Adam opened everything at Starbucks (after he bought me my usual iced green tea). I think he definitely enjoyed what I got him. He especially liked the card. It was really cute too. It had a Valentine’s Day conversation heart on the front that said, “Kiss Me”. On the inside it said, “Do what the card commands” — of course, he did. *Sly smile*
After hanging out at Starbucks for awhile we went to the movies and saw Jackass 2. Haha. Most ridiculous movie… I thought it was funny though. We got to laugh together, which is always nice.
For dinner, he took me to Gregorio’s. It was super packed since it was a Saturday night and a bit later than I’ve ever gone. However, we sat at the cutest and tiniest little bistro table. Most of dinner was spent admiring him as I mindlessly swirled my pasta around my fork. I was too busy absorbing his infectious presence; I couldn’t possibly eat.
Some of the night is a bit of a blur now, but I do remember him looking at me from across the table and asking me if he’s “the one”. No comment.
Full from our meal, we headed straight for the beach. We parked and walked down to the water, getting sand all over us. There were a few people gathered around their bonfires with one or two kids running in and out of the darkness—not too busy though. It was so relaxing. The moon was shining just brightly enough for me to sneak an occasional peek at Adam’s smile.
Sitting in the warm sand, we smoked together for the first time. I don’t know why I did that; I don’t even smoke. For some reason, it seemed like the right thing to do in the moment. Feeling blissfully sedate, I put his hat on backwards and cuddled up next to him.
At one point, he pulled out his phone and used it to illuminate the poem he wrote me for our anniversary. It was so heartfelt and beautiful. I couldn’t hide my joy—or tears. I’ve never had anyone write anything for me before. He’s not even a creative or writer like I am, so I know he put considerable effort into surprising me with that. If I have ever doubted him loving me, my concerns died right there on the shore.
Towards the end of our night, I found myself lying between his legs with the hood of my favorite Etnies hoodie flopped over my head. The other beachgoers thinned out considerably the longer we sat. Before I knew it, it felt as though we were the only two people left on Earth. He embraced me and whispered sweet assurances as the sound of the waves lulled me into a state of drowsy euphoria. Adam periodically kissed my head, but each time he did, my heart threatened to stop.
I closed my eyes often, trying my best to etch into my mind the feeling of his arms wrapped around me. You know, just in case…
…in case there comes a day when the arms wrapped around me aren’t his. I’ll never forget that night for as long as I live.
No one could have paid me enough to leave the security that was found as he held me on that beach. What I felt was something deeper and more complex than the word “happiness” could ever hope to convey. I was completely at peace and filled with the undeniable realization that he’s the man that I adore and love with every fiber of my being.
Loving him is now as natural and biological a function as it is to require food, sleep and water for survival. So, being with him on that moonlight-bathed beach was the quintessential essence of perfection itself.
It could have been heaven. I dare you to tell me it wasn’t.