Disorderly Conduct

Today’s throwback post is an unwelcome reminder of my history with disordered eating. For as long as I can remember I have dealt with cyclical bouts of binge eating and bulimia (with or without some form of purging)—yet another thing I’m not particularly proud of.

I’m sure I will someday talk about how this whole issue got started, but for now, I can confidently say that I am mostly recovered. Anxiety-induced binges are still a problem from time to time, but I am currently doing my very best to offset them by eating normally and losing weight the “right” way.

Back when I was having the most difficulty (many years ago now), I used to participate in ED forums. The forums were helpful in some ways because they allowed me to meet really nice individuals who understood what I was going through. However, these websites weren’t always the best environments to be in because they’d often trigger members’ behaviors and spur them to compete against one another.

Worst of all, young girls (some as young as 9 and 10) would join the sites in an attempt to “make themselves” anorexic or bulimic—as though these are communicable diseases. Yet, looking back at how my own issues developed, perhaps these conditions actually are somewhat contagious. A “well-meaning” criticism here. A judgmental glance there. Society has a particularly bad habit of inundating us with images of “the ideal female” from a very young age.

Whether it is explicitly stated or not, young girls are programmed to believe the erroneous doctrine which says that beauty only comes in a certain shape, size or color. To be found attractive or acceptable, it is “expected” that you fit that mold. Even as we grow up and accept these beliefs as utter nonsense, some of us are still unconsciously governed by the desire to reach for the dangling carrot that is “perfection”. I see it everyday.

If you’re currently struggling with an eating disorder and you haven’t sought out help, please do—the sooner the better. Nothing good ever, ever comes from keeping these kinds of secrets. So many beautiful souls have discovered this lesson the hard way. Please do not become one of them. ❤

 

September 16, 2006

 

*Sigh*

It’s another Saturday night, and even though I have absolutely NO desire to be out in public at the present moment, I’m terribly bored. I tried taking some notes for class, but it’s so tedious and monotonous. Blah.

Went on Myspace for a nano-second. I saw Duane’s page and gagged sufficiently. I shall NEVER sign on to that again. I didn’t care to read any of my messages. What’s the point? I took all of my pics off.

I feel absolutely disgusting right now because I ate too much today. I went to dinner with my family and was feeling famished, which was the first red flag. They ordered appetizers though, which we usually don’t do when we go out alone. I ate four mozzarella sticks and two chicken strips. Then I ate my entire plate of pasta with a piece of garlic bread. To make matters worse, I was stupid enough to eat a brownie with ice cream on top…by myself. I don’t even want to say what I’ve had since being home.

Ugh. Just when I thought I was doing better. I wish I knew why I do this. Who purposely eats until they are ill? Well, I actually know a lot of girls who do exactly that. We don’t know why though. Maybe we do it because something is secretly making us miserable. Since we’re not openly aware of the source of our agony, we sit down and eat stuff we have no business sticking in our mouths.

Let’s take last night for example. On my way home from Adam’s, I got a bacon cheeseburger with french-flippin’-fries. Isn’t that awful? I shouldn’t have eaten anything last night. I shouldn’t eat at all. Now I feel like garbage. I’m so pissed off. Just for that, I won’t eat until…Friday. Maybe longer.

Now that I’ve got my new job (which thankfully takes up 8 entire hours) I won’t be able to eat whenever I want to. Also, I won’t have to worry about being tempted by breakfast or lunch anymore. The only problem is when I come home…Oh, and Saturdays/Sundays. I’ll just have to go out and spend my money on fun stuff that doesn’t involve food. Distractions upon distractions. I really don’t have any other choice.

I’m out of appetite suppressants too. Well, not yet, but I stopped taking them two days ago because I have to quit them soon anyways—doctor’s orders. This is pretty much my last prescription for them, and I only have a week’s worth left…if that. Disaster. What I should do is try my best not to eat, but take one pill in the case of an emergency. They always work better when I haven’t taken them on consecutive days.

I knew this day would come. What will I do now? Maybe I should go to Mexico and get them without a prescription. Yeah right. And die? Who knows what that stuff down there really is. I heard Lori gets hers from down there, but…nevermind. I’ll pass.

I went to see Adam last night, but we didn’t do much. We did go to the mall for a little bit, but I didn’t see anything I wanted this time around. We had planned on going to dinner afterwards, but I changed my mind (I’m fat enough as it is).

In a random turn of events, we ended up going to Albertsons to buy a can of whipped cream, gum, and Propel. Wanting to be out and about, but also alone, we decided to park the car on a semi-deserted, poorly lit road not far from his house. It’s really hilly out that way, so the view was gorgeous. I’ve never done anything like that before, but it was actually a lot fun. We just listened to music, talked and took turns spraying whipped cream into our mouths. We’re weird.

It’s just lame because now I won’t have that much time to go down there and see him. I mean, I’m really glad that I’ll be making more money, but I’m not happy about having different days off. Even if I didn’t get the same exact days you’d think we’d at least have one full day together or something…sheesh. Haha. I’ve got Saturdays and Sundays and he’s got Mondays and Tuesdays. Oh well, there’s nothing I can do about it.

Hmm. I totally need to pay some of my debt off. I’d like to get another car. I know that’s a dumb idea though. My car is only four years old. Besides, I should probably save some money and move out or something. I saw this place in Rancho the other day that I loved the look of. I don’t know if I’d truly want to move out there or not, but I like the idea of it. They were so nice. I should look them up on the Internet and see how much they are.

I wanted to see The Black Dahlia this weekend, but I knew Adam wouldn’t want to go watch that. Not his cup of tea. K. is my go-to for stuff like that. Maybe we’ll go soon. We shall see.

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