What The $#!+*@?- A Breakup Story

It seems as though 2007 came and went without any written record of my whereabouts.

Though I am confident that I would have scribbled my feelings into a notebook from time to time, I have been unable to locate such an article. If a diary from this period of my life ever surfaces, I will have to skim it for particularly telling tidbits of information. But until that day, the explanations that follow will have to suffice.

Adam and I broke up soon after the New Year. When I say “break up” I actually mean detonated.

By this point in time, I had just quit my job in preparation for my move to San Diego. Up until our demise, we had still planned to move in together. However, I had a swift change of heart about two weeks before signing the lease. Something in my spirit told me that moving in with him would prove to be the biggest mistake of my life, so I ended up planning to move down there on my own. As I’m sure you could guess, Adam wasn’t the slightest bit blessed by my decision.

The actual breakup was rather dramatic and abrupt. I remember trying to reach him by phone quite late one evening. When my calls went unanswered for several hours, I grew worried about his whereabouts. By the time he finally answered, I was met by all manners of noise in the background. His salutation was slurred and sloppy— he was undeniably intoxicated. I knew how the call would end the moment I heard his voice. I had had enough of his buffoonery.

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Cold, Cold Porcelain

It is hard for me to remember the events of late 2006 with any degree of precision or accuracy. However, I highly doubt my memory was any better at the time.

In the span of time from October to December of that year, my relationship with Adam suffered considerably. The resurfacing of my ex-boyfriend and the arguments that swiftly followed, kicked off a miserable chain of events that Adam and I never quite came back from. With a quickness, we were thrown into a revolving door of accusations and low blows.

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Shame On You

“If only I knew then what I know now.” I have such mixed feelings about this statement.

For the most part, I avoid saying things like this because hindsight is 20/20. In the majority of cases, I think most people would take the knowledge they have now and use it to positively influence their past if they thought it could lead to a preferable outcome. All the same, we can’t go back in time and alter anything, which renders the whole wishful nature of statements such as these useless…

… yet I still found myself thinking this way when I read over today’s post.

There is a certain degree of detachment for me when I read past writings such as the one below. Although I can vividly recall how I felt in those particular moments, it still feels slightly foreign. This is quite a peculiar position to be in because I never thought my day of freedom would come. I’d been imprisoned against my will by inexplicable sorrow for so long… my current state of being is supremely surreal in comparison.

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Only Chicken Scratch: A Disclaimer

When I was a small child growing up in Southern California I would ride in the backseat of my parents’ car.

Quite often we’d drive the 50-60 miles through the valley to visit my grandparents in the LA suburbs. All along the way I’d press my bored little nose up against my window with “Are we there yet?” on my mind, but pure vapor on my lips.

On and on we’d drive, whizzing past buildings, signs, cars and towns. It was all so dull to me then. I mean, if you’ve seen one scraggly palm tree, you’ve seen a dozen. Though I loved visiting my grandparents, I greatly disliked having to seemingly trek halfway across the galaxy to reach them. If it weren’t for the graffiti scribbled across the trains, I don’t know what I would have done.

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Need More Peace In Life? Be Present.

The wealth of a prosperous man or woman should be measured not by the money lining their pockets, but by how much peace they have. If this was truly how society measured wealth, I would have been marked as destitute for most of my adult life.

You see, I used to suffer from debilitating anxiety. I’m talking 3-5 full blown panic attacks per week. It didn’t matter where I was, what I was doing or who I was with; anxiety would hunt me down like wounded prey on a daily basis. This (quite unintentional) tendency to be a bit high-strung left me held for ransom by anxious thoughts and habits for many years. Panic and worry made my day to day life far more difficult than it ever had to be.

Aside from wasting the majority of my days fighting back invisible bogeymen and straining to achieve even the slightest semblance of normalcy, my chronic lack of peace bled into every area of my life that meant something to me. My health, relationships, career and finances all took significant hits, leaving me with feelings of discouragement that couldn’t be overcome no matter how hard I tried. But this was then.

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Escape The Trappings Of Negativity & Worry In 5 Steps Or Less

 

“When it rains, it pours”… or so they say.

We’ve surely all heard this saying before. A perception that unpleasant situations often go from bad to worse is a popularly held belief. The crux of this is that our mere belief in something like this is often enough to bring corresponding events into our life that will support our position.

I’m sure you may have experienced this before— the domino effect. You get out of bed one day and stub your toe. Next, you iron your shirt for work, but accidentally scorch it. When you go to make breakfast for yourself you burn the toast.

It is not uncommon to focus our attention upon these frustrating occurrences and say, “Oh gosh, what else is going to go wrong today?” Before you know it, your entire day has gone to hell in a hand basket, further enforcing your belief that what can go wrong… will.

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I Nell. Me Was Caveman.

There once was a time when I handled my romantic relationships like a caveman. Not even a cavewoman. A caveman.

Despite having grown up in a family full of (questionably) happily married couples, I never had any formal training when it came to learning how to form my own relationships. Did any of you? Hmm. Perhaps I mistook the Dating 101 seminar invitation for junk mail… or bills. *Shudder* I always make sure to throw my bills into the recycling bin straight away. It’s good for the environment, you know.

Anyhow, unlike the whole birds and the bees thing (from which I naively took away the message, “Never, ever, ever touch boys”), my mother never sat me down and explained what I should and should not do if I hoped to maintain a successful partnership with a member of the opposite sex.

I didn’t have any siblings to ask, and although I’d grow to have friends who also dated, I wasn’t about to pick their brains about something so serious. Besides, I was fairly confident that they didn’t know what they were doing either. It seemed like a much better idea to wing it. And so, I did.

Turns out I was a relational caveman. No contemplation. No patience. No decorum. No idea what the heck I was doing. It was simply, “Me like. Me want. Me take. Me bored. Me throw away. Me like new thing now. You go away.” And the cycle would repeat itself.

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Self Control… What’s That?

Before I jump into today’s throwback post, I’d like to wish all of the fathers out there a very happy Father’s Day.

It has always seemed as though mothers get so much more recognition for their half of the parenting. I mean, retail stores practically cram Mother’s Day gifts down our throats a month in advance. By the time we hit Father’s Day, stores are like, “Here, just get him another tie. It doesn’t really matter.” That’s not true though; it does matter. Fathers matter.

Fathers are just as important as mothers. They have a responsibility to show their sons how to properly conduct themselves as true men. Likewise, they have a duty to display the kinds of qualities their daughters should look for in a mate. Fathers should be there to guide, provide and nurture their children to the very best of their abilities.

As for my father, he has served as an excellent role model. I’m not saying he is perfect, but he’s done such an exemplary job of being the kind of father many people wish they could have had. I truthfully cannot name anyone who has worked as diligently or hard as my father has throughout the years. He’s been such an inspiration to me. It is from him that I inherited my two favorite traits: (1) the ability to dream bigger than big and (2) a wild taste for adventure. Thank you for everything, Dad ❤

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100 Things I Absolutely Love

The world could use far more love. Wouldn’t you agree?

Today I hope to encourage you guys to spend some time thinking about the things and people you love by sharing 100 things that fill my life with happiness and enjoyment. I have seen other people do something like this before; it is always a fun and fascinating way to learn more about what makes them…them.

At first, it seemed like a lot of things to list! However, the making of this list was filled with ease. I love so many things, places and people! The more I contemplated what I loved, the longer my list grew. By the time I was finished, I felt as though I could have easily made it to a thousand. Now I feel so grateful. How lucky I am to live in a world so rich, expansive and varied that I have been able to quickly identify countless things to love and admire.

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Be Thou Removed

I’m afraid that I’ve gone and gotten myself into trouble again. Don’t bother sending for help. I fully accept where I’ve landed.

You see, he is the first thing on my mind when I wake up. I start praying for him before I can even get my eyes halfway open.

There used to be a time when I prayed first thing in the morning for the strength to chase down my dreams. I’d pray for the remaining members of my family—my cat too. World peace. More love. Less strife. Answers to questions I can’t answer. I still pray for these things, but I pray for him first. I always pray for him first.

I pray for him to find his rightful place and purpose in this world.

I pray that he lives with more gratitude and passion now than he ever did before.

I pray that he took my nervous ramblings to heart.

I pray that he doesn’t think that I am completely delusional.

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