“The intention and outcome of vulnerability is trust, intimacy and connection. The outcome of oversharing is distrust, disconnection— and usually a little judgment.” – Brene Brown
Isn’t that the truth?
There have not been many people to know me as I truly am— this has caused me considerable grief over the years. Building walls and hiding my feelings was simply how I made it through most of life. I don’t know why.
In some ways, I never felt as though I belonged anywhere…belonged to anyone. A walking, talking, living, breathing paradox. Unpredictable. Inconvenient. It seemed as though people only liked me if I’d fit their mold. Oh, I played along sometimes. Then I’d go home, soak my pillow through, get up and prepare to do it all over again.
Still, I fail to know where I fit in. Perhaps this kind of place does not exist.
Still, I wish for someone to see and appreciate me for who I am, not who I was or who they’d like me to be. Perhaps this kind of person does not exist .
But at least there’s God. There is always God.
In romantic relationships (and platonic relationships alike), I’ve always feared oversharing. Vulnerability and the provision of information could potentially boomerang on me, giving people a tool to later judge and hurt me. I desperately wanted to be seen, accepted, understood and loved, but it came at too great a cost. I did try though. I always tried.
And in the case of Adam, I tried with all of my might. It worked too…for awhile.
September 15, 2006
I took Adam to Gregorio’s the other night.
There have been so many nights when K. and I would hang out in Oceanside and Carlsbad. We would always stop at Gregorio’s. It has been our tradition, I guess…ever since high school.
It’s a great little place to eat during the day, but the real fun is at night. The patio always has people scattered at the tables here and there, and the street bustles with the activity of a typical beach town’s nightlife. Sparkling stars hang almost as if suspended by magic, and the sky typically boasts a moon-kissed midnight blue. When the salted breeze from the nearby ocean lifts my hair and kisses my face, I get so sentimental.
No matter what our reason for eating at Gregorio’s would be, I always used to sit there wishing I could bring someone I truly cared about to come sit with me. You know, like on a date or something. I mean, it is always nice to go with K., but sometimes there are places so romantic that they can depress a person if they don’t have someone they love to share it with.
There has never been a night that I have eaten there and failed to wish for this. It’s the perfect place for a sappy romantic date, but I don’t like sappyromantic dates. Or, so I thought.
Adam let me try his pizza before we shared my favorite dessert. He held my hand from across the table the entire time. Secretly smitten, I coyly watched his face. Enchanting.
At one point, he asked me how I felt about him, like, really felt about him. I was honest, but I couldn’t bring myself to indulge him in my deepest thoughts. He asked me what I saw for our future, but I could never tell him. I danced around the answer in the way that I sometimes do when I’m afraid to confide in people.
His inquiries grew so serious that I feared he might bust out a ring and fall to one knee. He eventually gave up, but that was certainly a dream that I never thought would come true. It was the date I thought I never wanted. After all, I’m the super casual “hanging out” type…at least, I was.
Tonight was… something else—what can I say? Whatever kind of tension has been culminating over the last however long we’ve been dating pretty much exposed itself. For the first time in years, I didn’t think twice about showing him exactly how I felt. I didn’t hesitate, and I didn’t back down. I just let the beauty of the moment lead me away. Obviously, I only let things go so far, but it was mind-blowing all the same. He’s a very talented kisser, let’s just say that. I’m still not sure how we resisted the urge to rip our clothes off and have at it in front of the night joggers and dog walkers. LOL.
Honestly, I am waiting for the perfect moment. Everything that has happened between us has been beautiful; I don’t want anything to ruin that. I’m kind of nervous about all that anyhow. What if I freak out and…oh, nevermind.
It was very interesting though because after our little “moment” I had to drive him home. He had leaned his seat back so he could rest against my arm. We held hands, but didn’t say a single word the entire time. The world just passed us by as we drove in complete silence. NOFX blared in the background, making me feel like I was in a drunken dream. So surreal. I don’t remember what I was thinking about in the moment. I was just…floating.
Maybe he was floating too.
Well, Adam actually just called me, so I suppose I will have to conclude this entry. Please forgive any typos. It’s kinda late and well, it happens. My deepest love to all my beautiful little darlings.