I’m Falling, But Don’t Bother Catching Me

I’ve been blogging since before I knew what I was doing had a formal name. If my memory hasn’t failed me, I started my first blog back in 2001-2002, respectively. A very good friend of mine at the time knew I loved writing and suggested I join her in posting on Livejournal. It was one of the best things I ever did.

The Internet has changed a lot since the early 2000’s, and blogging is no exception. For that matter, a lot about me has changed since then. I was about 13 at the time I started writing about my life online, so I have an extensive collection of blog posts that span the last 18 years of my life. Outside of a handful of my closest friends, I never publicly advertised the fact that I had a blog (heck, I don’t even promote this blog), so my posts have been seen by very few—until now.

“Pieces Of Me” is a new series I have decided to add on here. From time to time, I will be sharing throwback posts from my former blog archives and personal diary entries. I have always thought it might be fun to merge my old content with my new content; the stark change in my maturity, priorities, personality and worldview should be fascinating. Hopefully you guys won’t judge me for sounding ridiculous at times. I was younger, dumber and tirelessly emotional. I’m a Cancer…it can’t be helped. 🙂

Although I could definitely go back further in time, I’ve decided to take you guys back to 2006 and work my way up to present day. 2006 was a very…explorative time for me. I was still in college, working towards my goals and learning a lot about myself.  It is my genuine belief that this period of my life set the tone for the next decade that followed–for better and for worse.

Today, I am sharing a post that details the early days of the romantic relationship that taught me everything I needed to know about the sometimes torturous nature of love. A whirlwind of beauty and pain, Adam was ironically the first man I ever genuinely loved. Even at my young age, I was insistent that I’d never stop loving him.

Indeed, I never did.

 

September 9, 2006

‘Ello, my lovelies. It’s been awhile and I apologize. My life has been swirling around in a Kitchen Aid blender for the last few weeks, and I have only now pushed the power button in an attempt to stop the blades.

In the manner of shit hitting the fan (quite literally), all the content of my life has managed to splatter hopelessly all over the place. I’m a bit broken, confused and jaded, but I shall emerge from the rubble eventually.

Let’s see…the long awaited move to San Fran is now an ancient dream—nothing more. I’ve decided against going up there. No further comment.

Work has become a miserable disaster, but it’s okay; I’ll just have to fix that.

I’m still on the weight loss meds, but I only have one more month left to go before the doctor pulls me off of them. It’s been working though—thank God. That’s one thing that I have managed to get right. It’s about damn time. Yay for me.

I’m leaving a lot of things out because I simply don’t want to bother with the mundane details of rattling off every terrible thing that has happened lately.

Instead, let’s talk about the good things: Adam. Well, that’s it…haha.

So yeah, most of you guys know nothing about him because he’s sort of a recent development. We’re together now.

Wanna hear the stats on him? Okie dokie. He’s 26, cute, sweet, funny, well mannered, precious, and everything I could ever ask for.

He took me out this weekend. (OMG) I had the best effin’ time. We went to see Crank on Sunday night. (I love that movie, by the way. I wish I could see it again.) I ended up getting a suite at my favorite golf resort, which I also love. It actually happens to be down the street from his house, which is an interesting coincidence. I’ve been staying there for how long now?

Yeah, I know what you are thinking, “Something must have gone down between you two”, but no dice. Nothing happened. It was purely innocent. In fact, Kay came down after work and spent the night with me there. I loved the suite I ended up with. It had an upper level and the BEST bed ever! I miss it so much.

Sooo… back to the date. We went to Starbucks before the movie and I had my little iced green tea. We sat outside with our drinks talking about Lord only remembers what now. All I can recall is staring at him and wanting to live within his gaze forever.

Eventually, we ended up watching the movie…Well, kinda. Haha. He was being very naughty and distracting me a little bit, but I enjoyed it. Afterwards, we stood by my car in the parking lot and “bonded”… haha. We didn’t really know what we should do next, so I took him back to the room so he could see it.

We sat upstairs on the couch for awhile. It was the nicest “while” I have ever experienced. I just sat there and let him hold me in his arms. I never wanted to get up again, but then he started gently stroking my face. Nothing was wrong with that aside from the fact that I was becoming overly relaxed. I didn’t want to fall asleep on him so I eventually had to get up.

We went back downstairs and he went out on the balcony to smoke. The view of the golf course was pretty awesome. The suite had a great view of the pool and the water fountain/lagoon/pond thingie as well. It was so pretty—especially at that moment. I remember standing in the doorway, leaning against the wall and watching him stand there on the balcony. I was so content observing him; he has such a beautiful way of moving. There are so many small, subtle things that I love about him.

The way he stands.

The ambiguous look that comes over his face, which makes him nearly impossible to read.

His smoldering hazel eyes, which have an overwhelming way of containing so much intensity that I need every bit of strength to keep myself from falling to the floor when he looks at me.

The way the smoke leaves his persuasive lips.

I just love everything about him.

But more than anything, I love the way he sometimes cocks his head ever so slightly, as though he’s watching me watch him, yet he doesn’t want me to know he’s aware of my keen interest in him. He’s basically sex on legs.

I stood there between the sliding glass door and the wall for quite awhile. Every time I would turn to leave I felt the need to rush back to my position and observe his body language some more. Eventually, I decided to go into the bathroom and change into my pajamas for the night. Big Mistake.

I was still in the bathroom when I heard a knock at the door. I instantly knew who it was, so I don’t know why I was so shocked. Sure enough, it was Kay. I knew it was her since I’d invited her to come stay with me, but why did she have to arrive just then?

I went to the door, fussing around quite a bit before actually letting her in. Eventually, I brought myself to the realization that yes, my chance for rolling around in a bed of pristine white with Adam had been lost…for now.

Perhaps it was for the best.

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5 thoughts on “I’m Falling, But Don’t Bother Catching Me

  1. I loved reading this post. I used to follow loads of blogs for years, and while I always wanted to create one of my own, I was scared. I settled for creating a Tumblr, which technically was a “blogging” site, but it was wasn’t at the same time. After Tumblr I bounced from blogging site to blogging site. Loving the idea of getting my thoughts out somewhere, but at the same time allowing other people to read it.
    It wasn’t until a year and a half ago, that I started taking my blog seriously and have been recording more of my life. I really loved reading about Adam, and an old relationship that shaped you into who you are today! Great post xx

    Melina | http://www.melinaelisa.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Glad you liked it. It is good that you eventually took a leap of faith and started your own blog in the end. It can be difficult to share your life online, especially if you are a particularly private person. However, as I learned, there is so much to be gained when you share yourself with others. Not only can you really process the events in your life, but you can also gain the awesome opportunity to bond with others who can identify with your experiences. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I love your post. It throws into reality all the old posts I would write about my first love who is now married in Hawaii. And me with my current boyfriend who surpasses all my old standards. Sometimes what we think we need isn’t actually what we need but I for sure used to put him on a pedestal. Either way, great writing! Can’t wait to read more.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Many thanks; I am happy you enjoyed it. You are absolutely right about relationships and our ever-evolving standards. As my future posts will reveal, I constantly had a new narrative about who my “true love” was based on who I was or wasn’t with at the time. In all actuality, each relationship was a genuine improvement from the last (perhaps I was learning valuable lessons after all), but of course, I think they were all complete rubbish now lol!

      Liked by 1 person

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