Dirty Laundry (Load #1)

Secrets. Quirks. Well concealed personal facts. We all have them.

For some people, these tidbits of information may be far too embarrassing, too reputation-bruising to share with their closest friends and family. They may go to great lengths to hide their idiosyncrasies from the world in hopes of them ceasing to exist simply by ignoring them. However, they may get caught in a perpetual cycle of bondage, finding themselves wearing masks and hiding the fullness of their being from the world.

For others, the act of consciously calling attention to their greatest fears, oddities and failures as a human being can be liberating. No longer is there a fear of someone finding out that you aren’t as squeaky clean and perfect as you try to appear. No one can “expose” you or your secrets because you’ve already sufficiently ruined your reputation all on your own. At least, I think this is how unfiltered self-disclosure works. I’ve never tried it, so I could have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about right now. It sounded pretty convincing though, huh?

Anyhow, welcome to ‘Dirty Laundry’, my newest series featuring random facts about myself that may or may not interest, surprise, amuse and/or disgust you. How deep and personal will I go? I’m honestly not sure yet. It is my intention to simply sit down and let the randomness pop into my head at-will. If something crops up in that very moment, I will accept that it is the proper time to share it.

This series will hopefully help you guys get to know me better. I realize that I often keep myself and my talents far too hidden from the world. Maybe this will help to change that. Perhaps in learning how to be more open and more myself, I can help inspire others to be more “themselves” too. 🙂

Article #1

When I wake up in the morning and look in the bathroom mirror, I almost always remind myself of a chipmunk. This only bothers me slightly, as chipmunks are really freakin’ cute. However, I should really stop sleeping on my face because I might have to wake up to someone else on a daily basis in the future. Who knows? They may not share my love of adorable chipmunks, so my morning woodland creature face might actually disturb them. Whatever. If that was truly the case, we’d simply have to get a divorce. The loser…who doesn’t like chipmunks?? Cancelled.

Article #2

I periodically crave rocks and dirt because I have had pica since I was a small child. Thank the heavens above that I don’t actually act out these sometimes uncontrollable desires. I’d like to think that I have nice teeth, so munching on gravel would be murder for them. I’ve never figured out what bodily deficiencies I have that cause me to want to lick rocks like a lollipop. This is probably because I’m not entirely concerned about this issue. I often turn to root vegetables like potatoes and (my favorite) radishes because they have an earthy flavor…and also because…you know, they aren’t rocks. So, if you ever see me wistfully eyeing a pot of soil, you’ll now understand why. Kinda.

Article #3

One of my eyes sometimes appears to be more open than the other, leaving me noticeably unsymmetrical and mildly insecure about it. This was caused by a boy in my 2nd grade class punching me (closed-fist) in the face. I won’t divulge all of the details because I plan to do a storytime about this particular situation, but I’m pretty unhappy to be reminded of this event every time I look in the mirror or take photos. I realize that it’s just a flaw; we all have them. However, I don’t appreciate always looking like there’s something stuck in my eye or as though I’m squinting from the sun. I try to make myself feel better by recalling that Paris Hilton’s eyes are also lacking in symmetry and she’s an epically wealthy heiress. This works beautifully until I look at my own bank account. Then I start crying…out of my two stupidly asymmetrical eyeballs.

Article #4

I had a crush on Simba from the Lion King as a child. Okay, so I wasn’t actually in love with an animated furball, but its voice actor, Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Don’t get me wrong though! Simba was a cute little lion. But Jonathan Taylor Thomas was…woooo! Who didn’t like JTT back then though? Next to Leonardo DiCaprio, he was my longest-running celebrity crush. I say “next to” because JTT today doesn’t look like JTT then—at all! Leonardo DiCaprio still makes me salivate at the mouth. Maybe I should see someone about that…

Article #5

I have been trying to finish reading Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged for the last 13 years. Each year that goes by I keep telling myself, “This is it! This is the year I will do it.” I never do it. I first bought the book when I was 18. Convinced that I wasn’t too lazy to read it for a scholarship I vaguely wanted to apply to, I dove into its pages. Well, I never came back out. I never applied for that scholarship either because I found them to be complete masochists. What a torturous read that book is! I mean, I actually enjoy the book itself. However, it has such a criminally slow-moving plot that I get fatigued just turning the pages. Will I ever finish it? Who knows…maybe in another 13 years. All I’ve managed to get from it is that I love the name Dagny. I should name a future child that. Heck, maybe they could manage to finish the book and tell me what happened.

Article #6

When I listen to pre-Federline Britney Spears songs, I automatically start singing and flailing my arms around as though I am filming a music video that will be aired on TRL—and this doesn’t embarrass me in the slightest. It’s weird as heck, but no matter how I try, this behavior is simply unavoidable. I don’t know if I’m stuck living out a twelve-year old me’s musical fantasies or what, but my best advice to you is to never play “Hit Me Baby One More Time” or “I’m A Slave 4 U” around me. It’s just not safe.

Article #7

I spent my first ever paycheck on a custom-made (obnoxious AF) fluorescent pink skateboard that I ordered from Zumiez—It’s been many, many years and I still don’t know how to skateboard. First of all, I had the best of intentions when I erroneously decided it’d be a good “investment” to drop over 200 bucks on a skateboard…especially when I had never learned how to ride beforehand. I seriously thought I’d just jump on and magically Tony Hawk my way down the street, but I mostly ate asphalt. I’d still love to learn how to ride it, but you know, when I imagine trying at my current age I get these visions of me cracking my skull open and dying so….yeah. I realize that learning how to skateboard is on my bucketlist and all…I just don’t think it should expedite my actual kicking of the bucket. 😛

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