Sweet Baby Jesus.
I don’t normally post twice in one day. In fact, I’m on a roll if I manage to post something twice a week. It was never a formal rule of mine to not do two posts a day. I’ve just always figured people would get annoyed with me.
In all fairness, I can be a bit “extra” sometimes, so even I might not want to hear too much from me in one day. All that aside, I’ve just had the fright of my life, so a storytime is fresh off the press.
It all started when I was in bed trying to unwind enough to fall asleep. I’d already jumped into my pajamas, brushed my teeth and all of that customary nighttime stuff. Of course, I can’t end the night or even think of falling asleep without watching something.
Normally, I catch up with whatever strikes my fancy on YouTube before falling asleep to something innocent and non-nightmare producing. My current sleep soundtrack? The Andy Griffith Show. I have “watched” (aka snored along to) that entire series…probably a hundred times.
Well, I skipped out on YouTube tonight (nothing caught my eye) and instead opted to catch another episode or two of my current favorite Korean drama, Remember. If you’re into that sort of thing and you’ve never watched Remember, you should. You’ll love it. Or not…I don’t know. I was getting into the opening scene of the seventh episode when my brain started whispering to me.
You know, this would be a whole lot more enjoyable if you had a snaaaaaack…
And yes, my brain totally felt it necessary to drag out the word “snack” because it is annoying and relentless and completely inconsiderate of the fact that I’d already brushed my freakin’ teeth for the night. *sigh*
Of course, I got up and trudged downstairs in pursuit of a miniature bowl of Corn Pops—dry Corn Pops. Fresh Corn Pops without milk are like popcorn, only sweet and ten times more fun to eat while binge watching Korean dramas. However, the key to the equation is “fresh Corn Pops” because everyone knows Corn Pops aren’t sh—t after they’ve been open for a day or two. They start to taste like styrofoam packing peanuts and that’s not cute.
So there I am, frolicking to the kitchen without a care in the world—I mean, except for wondering what Jin Woo is going to do next. I’m flipping on the lights, hopping up the kitchen step and undoubtedly humming a random Paramore song from today’s workout playlist. I pull the beautiful yellow box of Corn Pops from the pantry and pop open the bag inside. Mmm…pop corny goodness.
Without getting my bowl first, I dive my hand into the golden depths of the box to pull out a fist of cereal. Right as I am ready to shove the handful of pops into my mouth, I look up towards the wall of glass doors that encase the foyer. The moment my eyes met the doors I saw a complete stranger standing outside in my backyard…looking into the house at me!
OMG, you guys. I was so terrified that my first thought was to hide. I didn’t investigate, I didn’t scream, I didn’t run to chase them off. I hid. Dropping down to the kitchen floor with a quickness, sticky Corn Pops remained pressed inside my hand. Peering around the kitchen island, I scanned the pitch black of the backyard in search for the peeping Tom. I couldn’t see a dang thing out there, so of course, I became self-conscious:
“What if they can see me, but I can’t see them?! This is such crap.”
“Why do I have to have an intruder in the middle of my show? So inconvenient.”
“And look how I’m dressed too. What will the cops think when they show up? I mean, if I can crawl to my phone somehow to call 911 without being seen by that wackadoo in the backyard.”
I stopped my fretful inner dialogue just long enough to still eat the Corn Pops in my hand. They were delicious. I briefly acknowledged this fact, then returned to panicking and fearing for my life.
“What do I do now? I’ve never been burgled before. I wonder if this’ll make the news. It’s not ten o’clock yet, maybe I’ll make it, but just barely.”
“Are they armed and dangerous or just looking at people in their kitchens for shits and giggles?”
“I need a knife. I’m going to grab a knife. Oh God, in which drawer do the knives stay?!”
“Hmmph. Just look at this floor. I need to mop tomorrow if I don’t die or get kidnapped tonight. You just never can tell how dusty a floor can get until you’re down on all fours like a golden retriever. ”
“Welp, that’s it! Curtains closed! Lights out! It’s been real, cruel world, but I’m surely a goner now. I’m just like all those dumb girls in the 90’s era slasher films. Only I’m not blonde…Or a high school age cheerleader…Or half-naked running through a field of wet grass in the dark when it is glaringly obvious that I am going to trip and be skinned alive by a masked freak similar to the guy outside.”
“This will make a most pathetic news headline in the morning. ‘Local woman attacked in her kitchen while eating Corn Pops out of the box last night. She was wearing a paint-splattered shirt and pajama pants riddled with holes from an unknown source. Neighbors of the woman say they didn’t even know she existed. Police say her floors needed mopping.’ Pfft!”
I remained hunched over on the floor like a nightstand for about five minutes. My palms had started to go numb. I didn’t hear anyone jiggling any door handles, so I thought maybe I had scared the man off. After all, I had seen him run off towards the wall when I ducked to hide. Maybe it was at least safe enough for me to scamper up the stairs and call for help while hiding under the bed.
Standing up, my eyes instinctively darted back to the doors where I’d first seen the intruder. I was determined to squint as hard as my eyes could manage. It was imperative that I could verify whether or not the backyard was indeed prowler-free before going upstairs. You can probably imagine my sheer horror when I came face to face with him once more.
And then I realized…
“Oh. It’s me.”
“The intruder is…me.”
“My reflection is being caught in the mirror of the cabinet, which is in front of the sliding door, making me look like a really tall prowler outside.”
“I’m not being burgled at all. I’m just stupid with decidedly crap eyesight and a tendency to overreact.”
I waved at my reflection out of embarrassment and apprehension. I had to be sure.
“So…I’ve just crawled all over the kitchen floor for five minutes in fear for absolutely no reason at all? I’ve just driven my blood pressure up and caused myself to nearly tremble to death for the heck of it? “
“My floor is still dusty, but at least I’m not going to die or end up on the ten o’clock news looking like a train jumping hobo.”
Now it makes sense why the “prowler” had been seen running away at the exact speed and in the same direction as myself when I dove behind the kitchen island. I had thought that was weird…
The Corn Pops were epic though. I ended up eating a small bowl of them after accidentally knocking the box over with my dumb trembling hands. Half of the box ceremoniously spilled out into the kitchen sink.