Oh, If Only I Were Stunning And Interesting

So there’s this guy…

Wow. I can’t even focus my thoughts enough to type what I’m trying to say. Get it together, girl.

Okay, let’s try this again. A few days ago, while I was simply minding my own business, this guy randomly entered my periphery. I honestly don’t know where he came from, which may sound really strange, but humor me for a moment.

Something peculiar happened when I first saw him. I instantly felt as though I needed to get to know him. Now before I go any further, let me just confirm that I personally find him to be gorgeous. Naturally, he’s quite enjoyable to look at, but his physical appearance genuinely had nothing to do with this initial attraction. In fact, I didn’t even realize how beautiful he was until I’d been “observing” him for awhile.

I say “observing” because I have no clue how else to put it. “Watching him” sounds creepy AF, like I’ve been conveniently lurking in the bushes outside of his house with binoculars every time he showers. That is definitely not the case. I can’t say that I “know him” either because I don’t; I only know of him.

Where do I know of him from, you ask? Hmm…should I say? I feel like the minute I tell you where I’ve seen him he’ll somehow find out that I’m talking about him.

I know, I know. The Internet is an infinite abyss…how narcissistic am I to think he’s sitting around specifically picking me out of an endless sea of people who post stuff online? There are probably a million British male vloggers/bloggers out there who match the vague description I could give of him. Okay, maybe not “a million”, but enough to not raise any suspicion that I’m talking about him (hopefully).

Oh God, I would be mortified if he ever found out.

So I’ve semi-outed myself just now. He’s a vlogger. I should be perfectly safe saying that much as long as I keep my big mouth shut from here on out and don’t reveal any specifics about his actual content.

I feel like a foolish child right now. There has to be something wrong with me. I mean, I’m sitting here staring at the screen unable to properly articulate myself over a guy. A guy I have never even met. It’s utter insanity, but he’s left me feeling desperately speechless.

At first I thought that this was just some weird, short lived crush. I thought I’d get over it in a day or two and go on being my normal aloof self. You know how you might see someone and think, “Hmm…I really like that”? I figured I was having one of these mildly curious moments (even though I don’t have moments like that very often at all).

It isn’t that I don’t find many men attractive. I do. It’s just that I don’t often find them attractive enough to consider doing anything about it. The only time that I will show even the slightest interest in a guy is if they are “my type”…whatever that is. Let’s just say that I know when I see it. The only problem is that I don’t see “it” very often. Maybe once every couple years? Yeah, I know…it’s not great. I’ve always been that way though.

But there’s far more to it than that for me. I don’t want to simply be attracted by what I see. I want them to make me feel something. I guess that’s what really struck me about this guy. There’s just something about him. The way he moves, his voice, his aura. He just…enchants me. When he speaks I feel as though I hold my breath so as not to miss a single word.

You’d think he was a magical unicorn prancing around the way I’m behaving! Every time I watch one of his videos I feel impossibly nervous for some reason. I actually can’t stand watching him because of the way I feel afterwards…like I want to say something to him. I don’t enjoy the feeling of actually wanting to know him. After all, he’s some guy from the Internet. I don’t know him and probably never will. Even if I did somehow manage to meet him in real life, it’d be foolish and irresponsible of me to bother thinking he’d be interested in someone like me…

Perhaps that is what makes me feel nervous: I would really like to talk to him, but I don’t think anything would come of it due to me being…well, me. Someone so damned unremarkable.

(Sigh)

Why do I always do this to myself? I rarely come across guys I’m sincerely into. Then, when I do manage the impossible, they’re usually someone I’d be too afraid to ever approach. I’m not sure what I’m particularly afraid of, but I wouldn’t know what to say anyway.

I keep trying to forget about him, but for some reason I can’t. As I see it, if I’m a corn-pecking chicken who can’t muster up the courage to at least send him a harmless comment or something, I couldn’t be that interested. I should put him completely out of my mind as though I’d never noticed him in the first place. He doesn’t know me and I don’t know him. There’s nothing to see here.

Yet, I can’t stop thinking about him. I haven’t the faintest clue what has gotten into me; I never fret over complete strangers this way. The last time I came across a stranger I just “had” to get to know, he wound up being one of the best men I’ve ever had the honor of sharing my life with. This couldn’t be another one of those blissfully random events, could it?

Ooh, but I couldn’t talk to him. I just couldn’t! I haven’t anything intelligent to say. What could be said? There’s nothing particularly interesting about me, really. I’m not stunningly beautiful either. Some women are so lucky…the kind of women who can get and hold people’s attention just by existing. People like me actually have to use their brains and hope their looks are passable enough to make up for whatever they lack lol.

Someone suggested that I message him and ask if he’s religious. Now, I realize that my own faith is pretty important to me on a personal level, but somehow that seems like a downright awful thing to ask a perfect stranger. For one, I never talk religion with strangers unless they ask me to. Secondly, isn’t religion one of those topics (like politics) people tell you to NEVER discuss with people you aren’t familiar with? I would never mind someone approaching me with such a question, but we all know I am hardly the norm.

I’m not at all sure what to do. Should I remain a smitten, but silent onlooker? Should I try to strike up a conversation with him? If so, what on Earth could I say?

Ugh. I’m absolutely hopeless.

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