I’m finally able to see the finish line. There are only three days left until I can move into my new home.
Gosh, it feels so weird.
Tonight will actually be my final night here in the condo, and I’m surprisingly sad about it. If you would have talked to me back in February when I first arrived out here and told me that I’d end up hating to leave this place, I would have laughed in your face. I remember my first week like it was yesterday: I absolutely hated this place lol. Everything felt foreign. And I don’t mean foreign like “Oh, everything is new and I’m not sure where anything is”, but foreign as if I’d spent my entire life on Pluto—alone.
It took me a ridiculous amount of time to get accustomed to living here, but I’m not entirely sure why. I have moved an absurd amount of times throughout my life, so one would think that I could swap states like it’s nothing. Normally, this would totally be the case. I’ve always jumped at the opportunity to check out a new city and have new adventures, so I thought this move would be a cakewalk. Well, that isn’t exactly how the story went this time around. For the first time ever, moving to a new environment left me feeling vulnerable, out of place and…a little scared.
I think I had trouble getting acclimated due to facing many changes and challenges all at once. First of all, selling the house back East was an utter nightmare. Worst. Sales. Process. Ever. It was extremely frustrating from beginning to end. The trip out here was not without its own difficulties as well. By the time I arrived, I was mentally, physically and emotionally drained. It was rough because in my heart, I really wanted to hit the ground running with all of my goals the minute I got here. Even though I knew I wasn’t feeling up to the task, I ignored how I felt and pushed myself beyond the realm of what I could realistically (and successfully) achieve.
Aside from trying to tackle my weight problem and wondering what the heck I am doing out here in the middle of the desert, I have spent my time in the condo soul searching. Before I even moved, I used to internally joke about using this place as a self-governed health spa. “I’m not going to do anything but sleep, hang out and try to get my s—t together.” Annnnnd… to be honest, that is pretty much the agenda I kept. I am infinitely grateful that I’ve had the means and the resources to essentially check out of the “real world” for this long because I’ve genuinely needed this for quite awhile.
Of course, I couldn’t sit here and do nothing at all for months on end; I become gravely guilt stricken about inactivity after a day or two. However, I made a genuine effort to rest and recharge as much as possible. As I mentioned in one of my last posts (Was it my last one?), being able to balance productivity and fun is an essential part of managing one’s wellbeing. I’m still not the best at this, BUT my time here has helped me realize that this is a weakness of mine that needs mediation. My time here has permitted me to slow down and identify other areas of my life that need a little TLC. My main objective for moving out here was to help undo some of the damage the last few years of my life has caused, so I definitely feel as though I’m off to a positive start.
Before moving, I thought I had a lot of things figured out. Operative word here: Thought. I “knew” what career changes I wanted to make. I “knew” what kind of a partner I wanted to find. I “knew” what color my hair should be. Yada, yada yada, on down the line, I truly believed that I had ALL the answers to my life’s biggest and smallest questions. Then I moved here. Seriously, just stepping foot in this state flipped every preconceived notion and whim I had upside down and inside out. For awhile, I felt like I was going through adolescence all over again. Everything confused me. I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted, what I liked (or didn’t). I suddenly became overly concerned about how others perceived me (especially where my appearance and personality was concerned). The whole thing has been weird and extremely uncomfortable, but I know that I’ve simply been undergoing some serious personal and spiritual growth.
It seems as though my entire identity was shattered so I could start anew. Now that I’ve been sufficiently broken down and stripped of everything I was previously clinging on to, I can rebuild myself the way I want to—the way I deserve. I definitely can’t say “I’ve finally hit rock bottom!” It’s super dramatic though, so I’d love to say that, but it’s not really true. However, I am starting from scratch in many areas of my life. Though it has been painful and low-key frightening, I am finally at the point where I am willing to accept and trust the process.
The process of what? The process of reinvention and redefinition. Healing.
Although I have been working on changing and improving myself for years and years now, I’ve only seen major transformations take place over the last year or two. I am a completely different person than I was just a few years ago. I mean, I’m someone who makes people say, “Oh…you’ve changed.” Whether they say it in a good way or a bad way, it’s true. I have changed. However, to me, it’s all good. I like what I’ve accomplished so far, so if someone else doesn’t care for it…oh well. Lol. I hate saying it like that, but it kind of is what it is. If you want me to sit around not changing just so you don’t have to feel like a shitty, bitter and mean human being all by yourself…I’m so sorry! How dare I try to be a nice person.
The only reason I’m referring to other people (and getting horribly off topic) is because I’ve recently decided to remove many individuals from my life. When I came out here I was struggling with the dilemma of whether or not to keep sacrificing my feelings for the benefit of others. There were people I still cared about and wanted to keep in contact with even though my gut kept saying to leave them the heck alone. I definitely want to talk about these situations more in-depth once I get moved in and settled because I know many people go through this. Anyway, I’ve finally reached the point where I’m able to say this is what I need, this is what I have to offer, so if you don’t think I’m worth the same degree of effort and consideration…bye bye. My energy and time will be better used to seek out likeminded, uplifting people who actually understand and value the concept of being a good friend.
I have always said, “Never try to move away from where you are in hopes of escaping the reality of what you’ve become. You are still you no matter where you go, so make sure you’re the type of person you want tagging along.”
This is so true. I have definitely been guilty of running away from myself, my problems, etc. in the past. However, I knew this was the last move I would make dragging old baggage behind me. I’ve spent the last two months fixing bad habits, dumping out emotional garbage—just making sure that I didn’t taint this new experience with any bad juju. Now that I feel properly cleansed of all the junk that was weighing me down, I’m starting to really enjoy living here. I’m feeling more at home. I’m feeling happy. This place is having an extremely positive influence on me. Not a day goes by without a new idea or brilliant solution to an old problem popping into my head. If I hadn’t worked to clear my mind of all the extraneous noise that used to distract me, I don’t think I’d be able to reap the full benefits of living here.
After spending the last few days at my new home (picking up packages, having things painted, moving small personal items), I can already tell that the house is going to be a good environment for me. It’s really strange because the house has never once felt unfamiliar. It seriously feels as though I’ve always been there. Every time I step foot in the house I feel completely relaxed, joyful and creative. When I’m there I just want to sing and dance; the house has such a fun and cheerful energy. I love being there. I seriously cannot wait to spend my first night opening boxes and getting my new furniture set up.
Tomorrow is going to be a bit busy, so I really need to get more sleep than I got last night. Besides, I’ve been coughing nonstop off the last two hours. I’m starting to feel a little sick as though I have a fever or something so…I’m praying that I’m not coming down with something nasty. That would not be good right now. Just as luck would have it, I packed my cold medicine and took it over to the house this morning thinking, “I won’t need this!” Pfft. Is that so? I guess I shouldn’t have been so confident.
Well, I will probably be buried in boxes up to my eyeballs for the next week or two, so I’m not sure when I’ll have time to post next. Just know that I’m really looking forward to returning. I have a few storytimes lined up for you that you won’t want to miss! 🙂