I’m on a dating app. There. I said it. And yes, it was painful.

Wow. What has my love life been reduced to? Where do I even start?

At first, I only downloaded it as a joke. I mean, not a joke, but as something entertaining to do at night when I can’t sleep. Before I ever went on there I knew exactly how I felt about dating apps.


I tried the whole dating app thing about a year ago, but I only lasted a grand total of two days before tucking tail and deleting it from my phone. In addition to the guys on there being absolutely cringeworthy, I wasn’t emotionally ready to be bothered with dating—good guy or not.

Truth be told, I was engaged two years ago. That sounds so crazy to me now that I’ve typed it, but it is true; I have the battle scars to prove it. The whole thing ended in a blurry whirlwind, so I was left heartbroken for…awhile. I tried to move on way too soon, but quickly realized just how emotionally invested in my ex I was whenever I talked to other men. Even still, just thinking about dating someone else makes me feel like I’m cheating on him. Lame. I know. In all fairness, this was someone I truthfully believed I would spend the rest of my life with. For the longest time I thought I was in a nightmare and would wake up any moment. I never did. So, here I am.

Although I have finally healed myself from my previous relationship and I’m starting to keep an eye out for someone interesting, something inside of me has changed drastically. No longer am I all of that marriage-minded. I keep trying to tell myself that I’m simply in a transitional phase of my life and that this too shall pass, but perhaps I’m lying to myself. Let’s be honest, marriage has become a joke with a devastating punchline. Every time I turn around someone is getting divorced, cheating on their partner or fighting with them. Add that to the residue of my own slew of failed relationships and you get someone who has all but lost faith in the institution of marriage or any other variation of love/romance/lust…whatever.

I guess my point is that I don’t really take relationships or the pursuit of them all that seriously these days. Being single is actually a lot of fun at my age. I mean, as long as you don’t mind ignorant people assuming something is “wrong” with you. You know, since having a man “claim” you is the full extent of your worth as a woman. That, or having to swerve people when they ask when you plan on getting married.

Aside from those minor annoyances, I thoroughly enjoy my singledom. What I don’t enjoy is not having someone to explore the world with. I guess I could just make some new friends to do that with, but I greatly prefer guys as friends. They may as well be attractive and partner potential while I’m at it, right? That’s what I call efficiency.

Anyway, I’ve been on the app for four or five days. I’m only making a half-assed effort for now though. I didn’t put up any photos of myself and my profile is rather cryptic. I guess part of me doesn’t want to attract any more attention than I am particularly ready for, while another part of me is still unsure of what I want right now. Making new friends out here would be good. Activity partners? Why does it sound like I’m a little kid seeking other kids for play dates? Well, I guess it doesn’t really matter what I’m exactly looking for. I figure I will know it when I see it.

Though I haven’t exactly seen “it” yet, I have seen someone I really enjoyed looking at. Of course, being super lazy, I only sent him a “like” before moving on to the next person. He “liked” me back this morning and I have been curious ever since. I would kind of like it if guys would message me first just to make sure they aren’t too passive like some of the guys I normally go for (I really need an assertive guy next time). And some already have! However, I don’t really blame anyone for not messaging a girl with no photos. I mean, what the heck? For all they know, I could be a dude. I’m surprised that I’ve gotten the attention that I have considering I’ve been posing as my cat lol. Yeah, I actually posted a photo of my cat. Nothing else lol.

Back to the guy I was getting ready to talk about. Ugh. I have such awful, gorgeous taste when it comes to men sometimes. Even though I don’t really have “a type” and I have dated an international rainbow of guys over the years, there are certain aesthetics that definitely grab my attention. In this particular case, I instantly knew when I saw this guy…I LIKE that! There were all these alarms going off in my head though. “Red alert! Red alert! Please step away from the app with your hands in the air!” Going off of looks alone, this guy is probably everything I need to leave alone. Oh, but he’s…everything.

He’s super sexy like a Travis Barker doppelgänger. Tattoos up, down, around and upside down. He looks like he’d drive a lifted bro truck…either that or like he’s actually just lost his license. Lol!

Seeing him set me off fangirling like I was sixteen all over again. You see, back in high school, I listened to nothing but punk, emo and grunge. Growing up in “the valley” of Southern California, all of the pop punk and ska Cali bands had a major influence on my musical tastes, hobbies, manner of dress and taste in guys. Of course, this made me quite a curiosity as a black girl. However, I rocked my edginess and wore my individuality like a badge of honor. I have since evolved into a grownup amalgamation of sophisticated glam meets minimalism. However, I could feel my punk roots tugging at my heartstrings the minute I saw his pictures. Roll. My. Eyes.

Apparently, he has a daughter. She’s an adorable little thing. Four? Five? The best age, if you ask me. So much fun. All the same, should I really be meddling with guys with kids? I don’t know if he’s ever been married or whatever the case is, but this is yet another red flag for me….according to my logical side. I’ve been there and done that once before, so I know dating guys with children isn’t easy for someone who is childless. Providing the guy is actually a responsible and involved father, I’d be open to it, but still, we’re just living in two different worlds. My biggest responsibility right now involves me making sure I don’t run out of coffee, so I don’t know if I should date or entertain “talking to” a guy with an actual separate mouth to feed. Sure, I can do it, but should I?

What is wrong with me? I have no business thinking or talking about this guy in the first place. I don’t even know why he “liked” me. I would feel like the biggest square next to him these days. How would something like that even look? Have you ever seen a guy like that run around town with a chick like…well, like me? Lol. I’m not even sure what I mean by that. You know, prissy-ish. Haha! I’m not truly prissy, but I’ve lost 90% of my punk edge. I’m over here serving country club realness these days. He’d probably hate me in real life lol. I wouldn’t even blame him. I’m ashamed of myself!

I say all of this because I’m not sure what to do. I mean, do any of you have an opinion? The guy looks like something my sixteen year old dreams would have been made of—how can I not message him? However, I’m not sixteen anymore. Even if I’m not particularly ready to sprint down the aisle, should I focus on talking to someone that is…not heavily tattooed with a kid? Lol. Don’t get me wrong, I love tattoos and have one myself (always wanting more). Not to mention, I’m getting old(er). The percentage of men my age without children is quickly dwindling.

Besides, you can’t judge a book by its cover. He could be a perfectly kind, respectable and mature individual. I’m just trying to be realistic here. How can I go from wishing I could date Elon Musk a second before jumping to a guy that looks like he’s still in a high school garage band? Sigh.

I’m just a thirty-something, single female who has champagne taste by morning and a hankering for Pabst Blue Ribbon by night. So basically, when it comes to dating, I simply have no idea wtf I’m doing.



Written by nellsinaeternum

Just a girl lost in a daydream who is trying her best to color inside of the lines like everyone else, but is finding the act of smearing watercolor outside of the lines much, much more enjoyable.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s