Not gonna lie…today sucked really, really, really, really, really, really bad. Though I was nowhere near grouchy, my mood was reasonably impacted. As difficult as my struggles with anxiety and depression have been in the past, nothing could have prepared me for the crippling amount of self-doubt and weakness that I faced today.
I’m a pretty strong woman, but this water fasting experience is challenging me in ways I have staunchly avoided for a very long time. So even though I am not particularly enjoying the ride thus far, I’m learning so much about myself. Will I continue to learn more? Well, you’ll just have to keep tuning in to find out. I’m curious my own self!
Well, the hunger is real this morning. I can’t even hide it. However, I am amazed to see how happy and amped I am this morning. Normally, I am dragging myself out of bed just to make it to the coffeemaker. Prior to my fast, my daily energy levels had gotten so low, I’m convinced that my bodily blood content was 50% Maxwell House and 50% Dunkin Donuts Extra Extra creamer. Your girl was running on caffeine and sheer luck alone. It is absolutely shocking to see myself wide awake without the aid of my favorite stimulant. I’d still kill for a latte, but we’re making progress.
Last night was a bit rough. I was weak, slightly disoriented and hungry af. My stomach was growling so loud that it was actually keeping me awake. I tossed and turned throughout the night, unable to get comfortable. Then, I woke up with the nastiest taste in my mouth. Thank goodness for Colgate….or whatever toothpaste I’m using right now.
Unfortunately, I was unable to finish my gallon yesterday. I honestly felt like I was waterlogged and would hurl if I drank anymore. I’d say I had finished just shy of 3/4. I’m currently trying to polish off the remainder, but my throat has been hurting the last few days (sinus/allergy issues).
My headache persisted until this morning when I first got up. It has since left. After examining myself, my skin complexion isn’t as clear and bright as it usually is. I look ruddy, dry and tired. So, just imagine a raw potato…
Yeeeeaaah…that looks about right.
As you may have read in my prior update, I don’t have a scale, so I have no way of figuring out how much I’ve lost. I figured I’d be able to tell from how my clothes fit. Boy, was I right! My pajama pants kept falling down this morning. And I don’t mean that they were merely sagging like I’m some rap star either. I mean, they were falling straight to the floor…butt to the wind. I mean, it isn’t necessarily a problem; it is actually quite hilarious. I just don’t understand why they are doing that. If I had to guess, I’d say it is due to a lack of inflammation. I’m clearly not a doctor though, so um, don’t quote me on that.
Still finishing off the last bit of my first gallon…finally! My hunger seems under control for now, but my throat is becoming quite annoying. After much deliberation, I’ve decided to have a Burt’s Bees throat drop. I was concerned about it disrupting the fasting process or being considered “food”, but I would rather try to remedy the soreness early on in the game than invite the possibility of it getting worse.
Outside of my throat feeling like sandpaper, I’m still feeling pretty good. I’m a little less energetic than I was earlier, but things are going surprisingly well. The trips to the bathroom are actually becoming a problem though lol. I normally pee a lot anyway just due to how much coffee I tend to drink, but this really takes the cake.
I don’t know why, but I am still unable to finish this stupid bottle of water. I definitely should have been on my second gallon by now, but no matter how much I drink, this first one refuses to go away. At this point, I’m not sure if I’m hungry or not. What I do know is that I’m already tired of drinking water.
At the present moment, my mood has noticeably declined. There are people doing yard work outside, but what is probably only two blowers sounds like fifty. It’s loud and has been going on for a good while, so I am starting to get a tad bit tired of them. I’m going to need them to go ahead and pack up all of their crap now. Thank you!
I am starting to wonder if I am accomplishing anything at all during this fast. It is only the second day, this I know. However, I can’t tell if anything is going on at all. My body doesn’t seem to care that I’ve completely stopped eating. I’m not seeing any signs of distress. Outside of being cold and depressed over the scent of someone cooking something that smells like chicken, I feel the same as I always do.
There seems to be this growing fear that all I’m doing is voluntarily starving myself—that I’m doing this for nothing. I suppose it is because I know how horribly imbalanced and screwed up my body chemistry is. I’ve probably killed my metabolism, for all I know. When I eat healthy and exercise, I don’t lose weight like the average person does. My body is dead set on doing the exact opposite of what I expect or ask it to do. I remember when I once ate nothing, but junk food for a good stretch of time…I lost forty pounds like it was nothing! How am I supposed to reason with a body that has that kind of rationale??
According to the research I’ve done, I should start to go into ketosis either today or tomorrow. Well…excuse me, normal bodies should do so. As for mine? Who knows! I’m starting to wish I had purchased some of those little testing strips you pee on so I could have had some kind of proof that my body is indeed responding to the fast. Lord knows I have enough urine to support frequent testing!
How quickly situations change. I’ve become uncomfortably nauseated. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m getting extremely hungry or what. I do tend to get like this when I’ve gone too long without eating…even a few hours too long. However, my sinuses are draining like crazy, which could be prompting my stomach to raise hell.
One minute I was fine, then BOOM. I’m one abrupt movement from putting whatever water I just drank in reverse. I keep drinking, hoping that I can make the hunger go away. Yet, the more I drink, the more nauseated I become.
I don’t know what to do with myself. All I can think of is quitting. “Is it really worth it?” I cannot express how badly I want this experience to be over. If there is one thing I dislike, it is feeling sick, so I am really going through it right now. I have no idea how I’ll make it another 8 days.
Perhaps I won’t.
Right now, my assumption is that I’m simply not cut out to be doing long-term fasts. I have attempted them in the past, but have never gotten very far. I genuinely fear that I am already checking out mentally, which is disappointing enough in and of itself. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate feeling weak-willed. Deep down, I know I’m sincere about my wanting to complete this for all of the right reasons, but still, it just doesn’t seem to be enough. I don’t know why.
Do I love food more than I love myself? Oh god, am I seriously about to cry right now? Yup, guess so. I honestly don’t even care though. I mean, I’d rather cry and be a complete baby over not being able to eat than be a straight up quitter. It’s just mind blowing to me that I’m having such a difficult time keeping my mind off of food.
It just upsets me, you know? Out of everything I’ve ever wanted to achieve, there are so many things I haven’t been able to accomplish due to other people holding the strings. Sometimes effort or talent simply isn’t enough. Sometimes, the world decides you aren’t enough because they say you aren’t. Maybe you aren’t the right size, color or gender. Perhaps you don’t come from the right kind of background, know the “right” people or conform to society’s standards without missing a beat. I’m totally used to that. No biggie. What bothers me is that I am here trying to do something I should be completely in control of…but yet, I’m clearly not. Why?
I don’t even know if this fast has anything to do with detoxing or weight or whatever. I mean, it does, but to be honest, I would rather quit right now and simply eat rabbit food for the rest of my days than continue this foolishness. In fact, why don’t I just do that? I’d probably lose weight all the same, right? Wrong. Have I not tried all of that before? If it was really a simple matter of “move more” and “eat right” I wouldn’t be talking about this right now.
The real root of the problem is my inability to be consistent with much of anything that really matters. I can be as stubborn as a pack mule when it comes to finishing things other people wouldn’t survive a day going through, but when it comes to my weight? No. That seems to be where I simply can’t gain any significant ground over the course of time. This is the problem I’m trying to correct with this water fast, yet I just don’t know if I have it in me to do it. I really don’t.
So, I just finished talking with my parents. That was quite an interesting experience. Speaking of my parents and “interesting” experiences, I actually live with them, just as an FYI. I’m sure I will discuss that situation more later, but for now, just know that I am currently living with them and surprisingly, I don’t hate it (often). Anyhow, I walk into the kitchen area to throw away my first empty bottle (I am only now starting my second one). To my horror, they were sitting at the dining table…eating.
Now, keep in mind, I’ve been doing an excellent job up to this point when it comes to avoiding food. I work from home, so I haven’t had any reason to leave the house and involuntarily be around food. I’ve avoided my parents’ mealtimes as well, so all I’ve had to worry about is my own cravings. Well, I was stopped dead in my tracks when I smelled their food. Do you want to know what they were eating? Mc-freakin’-Donald’s.
Honestly, I can’t stand McDonald’s. No offense if you’re living for a legendary BigMac either. If you like their food, I’m all about it. But as far as I’m concerned, it’s unhealthy, I know it’s unhealthy and I avoid eating it. Don’t get me wrong, if you toss me a chicken McNugget and I haven’t eaten anything in awhile or there aren’t healthier choices available, I’ll snatch it up with a quickness. I still don’t like or want it though, you know? That being said, I could go the rest of my life without McDonald’s and be happy as a clam.
Now, if that’s the case, tell me why I had the nerve to sit down at the table and nearly drool over their fries and fish sandwiches? Ugh, I don’t even like thinking about McDonald’s serving “fish”, much less would I actually order one for myself. Oh my gosh, though…it smelled SO good. I just kept staring at it like it was filet mignon. Sitting there like a sad sap, I intently watched them as they enjoyed their food. Meanwhile, I had my newly opened gallon of water sitting there in front of me, looking oh so unappealing. I’m honestly surprised I didn’t knock my mother over to get at her leftover fries. I must be learning some degree of self-restraint because I sat and kept my hands to myself. However, I wanted to be like:
Physically, I’m kind of feeling like a yo-yo. One minute I feel really good, then the next I feel like complete garbage. I’m not peeing as much this evening, but I haven’t been drinking as much either. I definitely need to improve upon that. My face seems to have broken out (boo!), so I’m guessing the detox process has kicked off already. I’m also noticing that I automatically become less hungry at night. It could be that my body is simply used to not eating past six, but I had noticed that my hunger vanished yesterday around six or seven as well.
As my final update of the day, I want to simply say that today’s journey has been no walk in the park. I’ve really had a hard time psychologically separating myself from food. I am hoping it gets better from here because I seriously considered throwing in the towel today. However, I’m trying really hard to stick it out as long as possible. Whether I reach the full ten days or not, I am already proud of my efforts. I set a goal and have at least tried to meet it. If I fall short of the mark this time, so be it. There is no shame in getting up and trying again, but for now, I’m still standing.