As I sit here sipping the remainder of my flavored sparkling water and find myself coming to terms with the notion that it will more than likely be my last taste of flavor for the next ten days, I feel impossibly anxious. My heart is racing like I’m expected to deliver a speech to a several thousand head audience.
I keep telling myself, “It’s only a fast”, “It’s only ten days”, “It’s only water”– all of these things are true. All the same, this could be my last day living the life of someone I never thought I’d become. No more hiding. No more disappointment. No more procrastination.
Tomorrow could be the start of the life I stole from myself. I’m terrified.
This moment means everything to me, yet I can hear a small contrary voice sniggering in the back of my mind. It is ever so familiar–much to my dismay.
“You’re a loser. You can’t do this. You can’t do anything right. Give up now, while you are still ahead.”
Despite all of the work I have done on myself, I am hardly immune to moments of self-doubt. Working on my motivational blog has been one of the most challenging things for me due to my ongoing battle against negative or limiting self-talk.
I mean, how the hell am I going to write inspirational posts and encourage others when I feel demotivated by the things going on in my own personal life? It leaves me feeling hypocritical and phony even though I know that no one is flawlessly positive 100% of the time. Sure, I know this on an intellectual level, but it rarely makes me feel better. Pfft.
“What makes this time any different? You’ve been dealing with this for years. Don’t you get it? You’re going to be overweight and unhealthy for the remainder of your life. It will never get better. This is your fate.”
I have no idea what makes this fast any different from the last umpteenth diets, detoxes, or high jinxes I have attempted in an effort to take my life back. When it comes to weight loss, I have been face planting into failure time and time again. I’ve gone to doctors, joined gyms, succumbed to harmful eating disorders and tried every kind of diet pill and potion known to man.
Low carb. Low sugar. High protein. Vegan. Vegetarian. Pescatarian. Ketogenic. Organic. Intermittent fasting. Detoxes. Calorie counting. Three hour workouts, 7 days a week.
It was never, ever enough because all it took was one injury, breakup, family emergency or some other untimely hiccup in life to trip me up and send me reeling backwards. All of my progress would unravel, leaving me worse off than when I’d first begun. Best scenario, I’d gain a few more pounds. Usual case scenario, depression would tighten its claws around me, leaving deeper wounds than before.
“Nothing you do works out. You know that, right? And now you’ve actually gone public with this. Everyone will finally see how pathetic and unsuccessful you truly are. You won’t last a day.”
It is true. In the last few years, I have experienced an almost laughable amount of failure. All across the board, I’ve had every area of my life take hit after hit, despite my best efforts. What I can’t seem to get my head around is how the modern societal system often seems to kick down some of the hardest working, talented people while lifting up and rewarding those who live like insufferable baboons…people who don’t give a crap about anyone aside from themselves. I see it everyday in the lives of people I follow on social media. Some people practically bleed themselves dry to be original, creative and authentic, yet they still struggle to make ends meet or achieve their dreams. I am hardly exempt from this club.
At least I can always say that I’ve given things my all. Though I may not have attempted everything I’ve wanted to in life, whatever I have done, I’ve done exceedingly well–acknowledgement or no acknowledgement. I truly believe that the amount of value and energy that a person puts out into the universe should eventually yield returns that are exponentially greater than what they provided others. This theory hasn’t exactly made it rain for me lately, but the universe can’t keep overlooking me forever, can it?
And yes, I am hardly pleased to be on here discussing a topic that has previously made me so miserable that I’ve seriously considered ending my own life. Airing your dirty laundry and baring your soul to complete strangers is never ideal or easy. You potentially leave yourself wide open for target practice by the Internet’s most cruel and despicable individuals. However, it has taken me several years to reach the point where I feel confident enough to put myself out there and allow the cards to fall where they may.
Besides, I’ve survived thirty one years of listening to me pick my own appearances and life choices to pieces. When it comes to criticism, I have historically been known to be downright lethal. If I can withstand my own viciousness, there is little else that can be pecked on anyone’s keyboard that will affect me.
At this point, all I can do is give this thing my best effort and not give up on myself as I have in the past. Admittedly, I have a piss poor track record when it comes to following through with things that I really want and perceive as “hard”. However, I’ve truthfully grown tired of my own bs, and I feel that the time for learning how to stick with my more difficult goals is long overdue.
Quitting is simply not an option anymore. The last thing I want to do is wake up ten years from now and wonder why the hell I failed to fully utilize the talents and gifts I’ve been given in this life. “I’m too fat” or “I’m too tired/sick” is simply not an acceptable excuse any longer.
In closing, I will say that as ill-prepared and nervous as I still feel, I am looking forward to starting what I fully intend to be my last weight loss “attempt”. It has been a long, bumpy road, but something inside of me senses that this is the final stretch. This water fast is going to be the event that molds the remainder of my journey. From this point forward, I am going to commit myself to getting this situation under control once and for all.
Successfully completing these next ten days will mean so much to me. It will be a strong indication that I am truly ready to fully manifest and celebrate the person I know I am. It will also help me to finally sever my psychological dependency on food and develop a much better sense of self restraint.
Ready or not, this is my last night being this weight. I don’t care how many times I have failed in the past or what it takes, I am claiming this victory in advance.