If I was previously questioning my sanity, I have officially lost my mind.

For the last few months, I have contemplated doing something really extreme. At first, I wanted to shave a design into the bottom half of my head and dye my remaining hair cotton candy colors. Next, I wanted to run off to South Korea to teach English. After that, I up and moved to Arizona, which actually didn’t seem too life-altering in the end.

Though I am an excitement junkie by nature, I have been feeling especially antsy for a drastic and breath stopping change in my life. It is hard to say why.

Okay, that’s a lie. I want a major change because I desperately need and want to shake up my life in a major way.

After dragging myself through a devastating breakup and winning a decade long bout with debilitating anxiety and depression, I’ve opened my eyes to a complete wasteland. My life couldn’t be more of a curiosity. The family and friends I once loved and cherished are now complete strangers to me. My bank accounts are downright disrespectful. In spite of enjoying excellent spiritual, emotional and mental health, my physical wellbeing has somewhat run off the road straight into a ditch. Help.

The Elephant In My Life

I could bore you with a laundry list a mile long of all the health conditions I’ve picked up over the last few years, but….I won’t. Let’s just summarize everything by disclosing something I have never publicly acknowledged: I’m fat. That being said, just sit back and imagine what health issues I might have. It isn’t great, but it could actually be much worse.

As a whole, being overweight has been a serious thorn in my side for a number of years. I haven’t pursued 80-90% of the things I’ve wanted to achieve in my adult life due to beliefs (both perceived and imagined) of being “too fat” to pursue them. I would have loved to stop writing songs in the shadows and actually form a band so I could perform them for people. Modeling and fashion has been a passion of mine since childhood, but the notion of “plus size modeling” just never resonated with me. From dating certain types of men to traveling to certain locales, I have passed up countless desirable opportunities due to feeling it was something I couldn’t go after until I met my own requirements and was a certain size.

Now, this is the point of my post where many overweight people would probably start listing off reasons for why they aren’t the size they probably should be. However, as far as I’m personally concerned, I don’t want to hear myself give you any excuses. I’m fat…because. Does it truly matter why? If I wanted to be perfectly honest, half of this weight was a consequence of things I couldn’t control, but what about the half that was entirely my own damned fault?

At this point, I’m sick and tired of analyzing this and that. It hasn’t gotten me anywhere, but where I am now: scowling at myself in every mirror I pass by, wondering when I will go back to being fit, healthy and happy…er.

Right Motives

That’s the fascinating thing about me choosing to finally address my weight problem. I’m not unhappy at all. This is actually the happiest I have been in my adult life.

Despite being broke af, single af and without a conceivable clue as to what I’m doing in life, I am happy as all get out. For the first time in my entire life, I am proud of who I am. I know my worth and I couldn’t give two cents to impress anyone or keep up a facade. My flaws and shortcomings are beautiful to me now, so I’m in love with the woman I’ve become.

Unlike the past, there isn’t a job I’m trying to get. There isn’t a man I’m trying to keep. There aren’t friends I’m trying to compete with. I’ve done an overwhelming amount of work on my inner being over the last few years, and have been rewarded with a peace and confidence that no one can take away. At this point, I simply want to reclaim the body and health I lost so my outer beauty can fully match my inner beauty.

What Am I Seeking From Water Fasting?

I’ve tried countless diets, juice fasts, cleanses, detoxes, etc. Some yielded positive results, while others ended with me crying into a pint of chocolate ice cream. Based on my own research, water fasting best suits the situation I am currently in. In light of already having dramatically cut back on the amount of food I consume on a daily basis, I truly believe I have the resolve to successfully complete a water fast at this time in my life. If ever there was a time that I was tired of eating and in need of a thorough detox, it would be now.

For the record, I have not chosen to water fast merely to lose weight. While I will most certainly lose some pounds, my primary objective is to give my body a much needed rest. Seeing as I am a bit opposed to traditional pharmaceutical drugs, I have a few chronic conditions that I believe my body could heal from naturally if given the chance. In addition to improving or completely resolving some of these ailments, I hope to kick my addiction to caffeine (I love you, coffee) and decrease my occasional cravings for sugar and soda.

The Game Plan

Starting on Monday (one day from now), I will consume nothing except for purified water for ten days. No mints. No gum. No lemon. No tea. Plain. Ass. Water. I will seek to drink no less than a gallon of water per day. My research has indicated that exercise is not recommended outside of extremely light activities such as yoga or walking, so I probably won’t work out during my fast. If I am feeling particularly energetic, I will lift weights and dance, but something tells me to focus on walking before running.

On my first day off of the fast, I plan to drink raw juices for a number of days to help me transition back to solid food. Once I am back on solid foods, I will resume a healthy diet.

My current intention is to complete a series of fasts ranging from 10 to 20 days in duration until I reach my goal weight of 120. I will punctuate each fast with a week or two of juice fasting (depending on the length of my water fast) along with a period of healthy eating. How long will that take me? I have no clue. At this point, I am just trying to make it through three days without screwing everything up.

I’d actually like to start off with a much longer fast this time around, but I think ten days is a solid period of time. If I’m feeling good by day ten, I will continue the fast, but we’ll have to see how I do when I reach that point.

If at any time I feel unreasonably ill (outside of having a temper tantrum over wanting a latte) I will end my fast. As motivated as I am to embark on this journey, I do not need to push my body somewhere it doesn’t want to go and harm myself.

How Will I Manage?

Hmm. That…remains to be seen. I am honestly excited to start my fast and see what results I yield by the end of it. I expect to experience some degree of hunger, but I honestly don’t expect it to be all that bad on that front. If I end up wanting to eat, most likely, it won’t be from legitimate hunger, but from plain desire.

Unfortunately, I tend to be an emotional eater who only ever eats if I feel anxious or bored. As someone who loves enjoying an excess of pretty much anything pleasurable, I hate being denied anything. This combination of low-key hedonistic tendencies and anxiety eating has been nearly impossible for me to get in check, but I am seeking to use this adventure as a chance to train myself.

Being told “no” by the one person who always says “yes” will surely piss off my ego, triggering a bitch fit unlike anything I’ve ever exhibited. That being said, I will be spending as much time as possible resting, meditating and keeping myself away from food.

I will also document my entire journey here in case anyone is interested in following my experiences. Although I am not planning on going into depth about the benefits of water fasting or recommending that anyone tries it for any duration of time (always do your own research and check with a medical professional), my posts will go into detail about the experiential aspects of a water fast. I’ll share my bodily responses, as well as my thought process throughout the ten days.

That being said, tomorrow will be my last day having any solid food. Today was fairly light and tomorrow will be even lighter (primarily liquid). At this time, I’m feeling confident about the process, but ever so slightly nervous. All the same, extreme issues sometimes require extreme solutions. I can do this.


Written by nellsinaeternum

Just a girl lost in a daydream who is trying her best to color inside of the lines like everyone else, but is finding the act of smearing watercolor outside of the lines much, much more enjoyable.


    1. Unfortunately, no, but I later posted an update explaining why I felt it necessary to stop. Long story short, I was experiencing odd, unexpected pains that had begun to concern me. Though I have not attempted another water fast since then, I may do so in the future, which will undoubtedly be documented on my daily weight loss journey blog, where I am currently exploring intermittent fasting. If interested, you can check it out at http://www.backrollstobankrolls.com


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